Yes, I know, a very big topic it is, too intense, too broad and too complex to be discussed in a blog space. But I will still try to do this, more so because I have started noticing influences of 'J's parents on her attitude towards a situation and her reasoning capabilities.
Observing this for the first time, made me proud, but slowly a great spider of responsibility started crawling on my shoulders too. I am writing today solely for her, for in next years, when she will be in her teens/twens and start questioning/challenging us on every statements I will make about her/us/others, out of madness I might be shouting at her, but after the row finishes, I would like to sit together with her and read this blog, totally in peace, holding hands with each other.
Parents are the first idols, super heroes-heroines and our world in the primary years of my life. We want to do everything what they want to do us in those years, we want to be the best kids as we think they are the best parents. We want to make them proud with whatever we can do for them. Now parents in most cases use that for getting good results at school, sports field, music classes or several other co-curricular courses. They also use that for getting good behavior in front of their relatives, friends and other social circle. Parents normally have a set of believes, like you are a good kid if you do well academically, if you keep your room tidy, if you help us at household chores, if you are polite, if you are listening to us, if you are listening to us and doing whatever we are telling you to do, if you are not thinking on your own, listening to us and doing just what we are telling you to do. This chain of believes can get bigger or shorter depending on the nature of the parent, there are no set rules on that. And if the kid is not doing according to the chain of believes then he is very clearly given the message that he is not a good kid, and he will face the consequences. Also kids world consist of only black and white images, they have either monsters or fairies in their worlds, so they in their small heads capture their parents images as white ones, and try to contemplate what their parents tell them, and if they can, they do whatever they can do to bring that satisfying smile on their parent's faces.
We can very easily tell them, if you will not do this I will be not your mum anymore, if you don't behave, I will go away from you, we don't mean it, but they don't know that, they take it very seriously and although they don't reckon it but they do act after listening to these comments in their own instinctive way. We forget what we had said two days ago to them, and keep wondering that why s/he is behaving so cranky today.
These list of parental believes changes as kids grow older and so changes the kid's attitude in fulfilling their parents demands. Some kids remain awfully honest with their parents in spite of having huge difference in opinions, they do speak, argue, challenge. Some hide their own thoughts/deeds and behave as a good kid in front of their parents, just that parents don't demand more.
Next comes the phase when the kid goes to the outside world and start his/her own life. First few years he walks the road using the same torch of manner/behavior as s/he was taught at home, may be that is not his/her own one, but he does not know that. Then slowly mixing with others, seeing the outside world unprotected from his/her parent's eyes, s/he starts making his/her own rules, own path, own style. For some it takes a long time but once they have done it they are done, they are unchangeable, but for others it is a kind of zig-zag way, they are sometimes confident with their own path, and sometimes confused and go back to reuse the philosophy learned from their parents. And the chain continues for next generations.
We as parent can overdo the sense of right and wrong in a child's mind, but is there any strict right or wrong as long as there is no major harm included in the act? This fine line can bring a sense of inclusiveness and acceptance in a child's minds for other culture, countries, religions, traditions which is very much needed for today's cosmopolitan, migration loaded set up.
We as a parent can also easily keep demanding several honors from our kids for as many years as we want, like obedience, good performance, performance that is achieved by the maximum in the society, or simply spoken, the price of bringing them into the world and raising them up. Which can be overwhelming even for kids who are in their thirties! We parents keep forgetting that s/he has grown up, they should have their own life to live. Own ways to solve a problem, often we forget that they are our kids and not our complaint sheets.
As parents cannot we take the chance not to control them with a remote, to leave them, let them fly and see. Health and safety concerns are must but all those floppy emotional ones, we parents can actually live without them easily. Why we let our ego to come in between? Why we always think that we are right and they are the wrong ones? Why we always fear that s/he doesn't love/respect us anymore? Why do we feel insecure? Why do we e-blackmail (emotional-blackmail) them?
Cannot we have faith that they are our own upbringing and believe that they will remain ours and finally whatever differences we have in our opinion, lets just face it, accept it, regard it, after all we both belong to one team. A team that the world calls as family.