Wednesday, November 11, 2009

November - Month for looking back

One more year is slowly passing by. In November every year it strikes to me that the year is soon going to be past. In this month I keep thinking about the last 10 months that has passed by and how they passed, and mostly I find that there are so many more things to do but may be they will remain undone this year. It is funny that these feelings don't arise anymore once December is reached, may be because then new hope and and sweet dreams for the new year starts building up.
So although I don't know from when but certainly since many years November has become a month of "looking back" for me.
This year I continued with some extreme decisions of my life that I made last year. This year I could finish my PhD story. It was a relief. In this year I learned how does it feel to have both wings and roots. I learned the meaning of independence and responsibilities in true sense. Independence in terms of making decisions, leading day to day life, life style, buying gadgets, spending time, paying bills. Responsibilities in terms of work, child, time, finances, household, socialising, shopping, transport. This year was like a test for me to understand how good or bad I can cope all alone. It is funny that although I have left my parents house at the age of 17 to study in university but I never had faced the world alone. I was always backed up by some one or other from my family. I never had to start all by myself in a new place even after finishing university. I have always followed my husband after he already had created cushion layers in a new place. But this time I had to do that. Although my husband was there in the beginning to settle us down but then we had to continue by ourselves. I was afraid but I took the plunge with a thought that I can always leave if things get too sour. I must accept that it is difficult and very tiring at times, specially the burden that the tasks will remain incomplete if I myself don't do them. It is also sometimes hard to keep going equally in work and home front. Most of the time I find it hard to give equal attention in both places. There are times when I need to finish my office work at home or vice - versa. There are times when I don't know what is going on in my child's mind and try not to think much about that as I need to meet deadlines at work. Many times I avoid looking around at the messy rooms as I need to do something else at that moment. At work also I cut out myself sharp at 5.30 p.m in the evening although many days I feel the need to stay little longer. I cannot afford that because there is no one else to pick up my little one from after school club. Many mornings I hear the plea from my daughter that mama can you please pick me just after the school (at 3 pm) and not at after school club (at 6 pm). I try convincing her that I will pick her up at 5.30 without showing her those silly guilt clouds hovering over me. Maximum challenge in this one year of single dwelling was when both of us got sick.
Among all these difficulties I will be lying if I say I have not enjoyed being my own. There were few holidays for family reunion, they were short but very colourful. I have enjoyed most bits of those constrained 8 hours I give to my work everyday. I have learned a lot of time management and of course what to mention about the new technical and scientific skills. I have been able to pursue more on my hobby i.e. reading and my daughter has been able to grasp over a new language this year. Travelling my another hobby, was also taken care of very well this year. Throughout this year I and my daughter have made many new friends and acquaintances in this new place. Now in November when I look into my yearly planner I find many of the weekends of this year are red coloured meaning party, picnic, outing or get together with one or some of these new found friends. So above all, last 10 months of this test year was just a mix and match of personal yearnings and learnings like all other years of my life.

2 comments:

  1. No it is about responsibilities of being independent individual. Although on one hand we are trying to be independent but we still lean on others when it comes to the fact of facing the consequences of that independence. This one year has taught me to to stop blaming and complaining about my own life. If I have taken any decision it is only me who needs to stand by it and face the consequences whatever that is.

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