Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Sad State of Indian Married Men!

Disclaimer: I am not trying to prove any point here for Indian Married Men (IMM), only that we the Indian married women (IMW) may need to be little less judgmental towards IMM and more compassionate. IMMs are after all another species biologically and have different ways of doing things. Most of all they are pretty lonely and confused in Indian territory. 

No status development in last 100 years:  Compared to Indian married women (IMW),  Indian married men (IMM)  have achieved nothing in last 100 years, IMW were burned as a sati, married off as a child, burdened with birth of children every alternate years, stopped from getting educated, and go out of their home premises. In contrast to that today IMW are going strong in every aspect of their lives, they have entered the sacrosanct 'men only' areas of profession (Read-offices, laboratories, factories, police stations, court rooms, pilots cabin) with full thrust. They are entering within the bars and disco's even more to enjoy the hard work they are putting in.  IMM on the other hand are still going to work like their grandfathers with a lunchbox in their hands and working hard to remain just a bread winner. They are still struggling to enter into 2 domains which is IMW specialty for generations - that is the Indian home kitchens and raising kids! They cannot get leave from work even when they get their precious babies!

No supporting team:  IMW have worked as a team for 3 generations, grand mothers and mothers have given all their wisdom to their daughters regarding "man kinds" and made them fit to fight for a living. Fathers try to support their daughters in education and make them financially independent.  IMW have understood that it is not necessary to work tirelessly with 10 invisible hands like their mothers generations. They now invest in getting help from other women instead as maids, nanny, cooks or men as a drivers, gardeners, grocers etc. In contrast IMM don't have any support team at all.They are supposed to know the finances even if they are bad in counting. Father-son relationship in India is very skewed, fathers never reveal any of their wisdom regarding women to their sons. They actually stop talking with each other from pretty early state and boys are left to their moms to be raised.  IMM are thrown into life without any wisdom from previous generations of men. So they need to invent the wheel all over again.

Raised by older versions: IMM raised by previous generations of women are fed with all the emotional quotient of mother - son equation. Each extra egg that they got to eat than their sister has big return costs. They come to know about this much later.The mothers sacrificial love to their sons  numb the logical thinking of IMM when it comes to discuss any matter with their mothers.

Challenges with upgraded versions: Raised by god and kitchen loving mothers when Indian man sees a woman of today, they get awed. They feel the liberation of being with a not so emotional buddy. They want to marry them immediately. None of his peers or seniors tell him the hidden cost of marrying a modern ambitious woman.  She is not a goddess or a slave like before but a human who demands equality to the extent of sharing the pain of child birth too. It is only after marriage IMM experiences the conflict between old and new version of the software called Mother and wife in his life. The attractive buddy before marriage suddenly turns into a sore face if he favours his mother in any choices related to home and family. 

Shuttling between diverse expectations: Just after marriage the IMM realise that all the emotional bonding of his mother since his childhood demands a big cost of favouring the mother other than the wife. If he fails to do that he is doomed by his mother and the society, Indian television channels are showing these cases in mega serials. He has to remain a mama's boy all his life. He did not know either that the high degree, qualifications, full time high paying job and those manicured hands of the woman that allured him before marriage comes with a cost of trails of maids, cooks and others which his mother never felt the need of. He does not know how to take his wife to the disco after marriage where they used to meet before marriage under the nose of his temple going mother. IMM gets confused by the change in specifications of upgraded new woman of today. The only similarity of both is they use tears before they hang.

No dedicated webspace:  In this advanced era of internet and technology there are several communities formed by the women, for the women and from the women of India, (womensweb, sheroes, relauncher, jobs for her, India today women) there is not a single site dedicated to the IMM and their personal issues. No one speaks about them in India, they are the most ignored lot. IMM is perceived only to know about politics, sports, and gadgets and they are forced to read nothing more than that. Their fathers had similar problems when women came out with several printed magazines for each region and men had to read only India today! 

No mentor or peer to talk personal issues: Have you ever heard IMM talking with each other regarding any bed time rituals or challenges to cope with a distance  marriage? No, just like the men of previous generations, IMM of today don't speak about their emotions in public. It is a taboo, it makes them weaker than others. So issues are not raised, not discussed and not resolved in men's space. They linger. Unfortunately IMM don't have brains to open a conversation too. 

No innovation in group activities: IMW are pushing their limits when it comes to group activities, they have extended their hobbies from knitting and sewing that were their mothers hobbies to travelling in women only groups, participating in car rallies, going trekking, wine crushing, baking Italian breads. Each of them are pushing the limits of community and social living slowly but steadily. For IMMs the social activities still remains dry drinking, playing cards or golf, discussing world politics or sports, photography and video games. Boring. No Innovation at all.

Conclusive remarks: IMM haven't got any support from the society to change their social behavior and status, they are in auto pilot mode for almost a century. So IMW now you being a more understanding species give your hands to the IMM, unburden them from the status of being the only bread winner, let them take paternity leave, teach your husband and sons to cook, laugh out loud, share emotions and cry too. Take them to spas and make them feel the wonders of pedicure, create websites to discuss their emotions, write books for them and not push them to read politics and sports as men's magazines. Help them becoming a human and not only a man!!

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