Overhaul your salary!

Overhaul your salary!

How to overcome loneliness while working from home?

How to overcome loneliness while working from home?

Not so easy things of life...

It happens to all of us but we always think that it is happening only to us. All of us go through certain stages of life where confusion takes over and we feel entangled. Most of the time we feel overwhelmed as we see others not in the same stage but then if we observe a little more we can see each one of us are dealing with Not so easy things of life... Each in their own way... Each in their own terms...

Crossroad symptom- Once my father told me not to cross a road on the crossroads where 4 roads meet. He showed me how vehicles were coming from four sides and how difficult it was to judge the correct time to cross it. He showed how some people were trying to do that and were getting frustrated and angry.  We walked little further  on the road and we could easily cross the road.
I experienced the same when I became a mother as a phd student. I guess any woman or man goes through this  when they become parents and try to balance their lives along with a new bundle (of joy!) and the regular demands of life. Many times without much help from extended families like me in a foreign land and lots of self expectations of having a picture perfect life like those shown in the postcards. This is also the time when I learnt that my career and my child are equal in priority for me and that as much I want to do good in my career I wouldn't be able to do that without proper support ( emotional, physical and economical) for my child. It took some years for me to find ways around this situation, now 5-7 years away from preliminary years of parenting I could see how fragile and nervous I was at that time. I did not have a friend who could inspire or listen to my worries at that time. I had only male researchers around me married or not, parent or not, and I could not confide to them. They could not see any problem and they were publishing like anything. That was my limitation of not being able to reach out and to try to cross the road where 4 roads were meeting. That state of mind impacted my career and future choices/decisions to a large extent.

Today upon finding a way for myself I see so many other new mothers passing through same phase.

Two boat situation- It took me some years to accept that as much I like reading, thinking and presenting about science, I don't look forward towards technical processing of science. I did not like the repetitiveness of experiments to be performed and the dependence on one boss for greater part of the scientific career. I took strong decision of spending a big money to learn something related but outside of bench science. I started learning about that new field. This time I was more careful about my choices and started to look for jobs in both fields. My ongoing research field and newly learned scientific writing field. This process enhanced my confidence and enabled me to talk with senior people from 2 different domains in the name of interviews.

There are times when we can't pick just one path and need to keep walking on parallel roads. This can be exhausting but for me this helped.

Guilt free mode- I cannot tell you the date but it is around the time when my daughter was turning 5. She was getting relocated from one country to another with me and was mostly accepting things positively with some mild aberrations, seeing her handling things with a smile I could see those long lived guilt clouds leaving me. I could feel for the first time that my daughter would survive and succeed in this world and that she could take so much change easily more so because she was a day care goer from very early age.
Also, one day while talking with her she told me that she did not remember that she used to cry in the mornings before leaving me for day care as a toddler ( my major trigger for guilt- I realised this later) but she remembered her friends in day cares and the doll houses. From that day onward started my guilt free mode of life.

2nd chance is rare and should be nourished- I received an opportunity for further research, and I took the chance to try once more and  I am glad I did that. Research after Phd is very different and enables us to work in independent environment. Sharpens our transferable skills like teaching, communication, and problem solving. Help us earn good money to lay path for next chapter of life. After availing the second chance I was sure that I really don't want to 'do' science, but facilitate, write about it or nurture science in other ways.

Calculated risks and diluted ego- I learned to take calculated risks and say yes to
opportunities which were opening new frontiers to me. I still did not learn to negotiate though. Higher education come with a baggage of ego and pride, having taken calculated risk and stepping into a new domain, I could not afford to keep my ego boosted. It was required to bust my ego and quickly find a niche for myself in the new domain. I started using the skills learned in previous jobs, like attention to details and a knack to teach and train others. Sincere involvement  and a mind to take new challenges came easily upon taming my ego. Ego never helps in anything. The less we have the better we die.

Same problems but different approach- In the new job I soon started pouring in long hours and though there was no experiments to be planned this time but there were telecons and meetings with different team members living in different time zones. I could relate to these situations from past experiences. I started taking different approach than handling them in previous manner and waiting for different results. This time,  I was more confident and mindful, with less expectation. I simplified things wherever possible by expressing and demanding help at home, making my daughter independent in doing simple chores. I learned to walk further up the road and avoid crossing it on the crossroads.

Circle of friends-  From previous experiences I learned that it is necessary to continue to make friends from all facets of life, from different genre of living. A childhood friend might not understand my present state of mind and a college friend might find me a bore altogether. So I learned to make friends from neighbourhood and internet. I have many blogger friends with whom I share thoughts that my sister might also find difficult to engage with.

Inspire and get inspired- I don't shy anymore to discuss about the lessons learnt through my journey.  I share them with my colleagues who are in similar phase as I was few years ago. I observe and learn from others who are little ahead of me in career. I have a good network of like minded friends to talk, argue, debate and agree to disagree. I am learning about a new domain, new roles and designations, and new models of work in each day.

The dotty connect- My daughter keep asking me about what will I be when I grow up. She believes that just like her I will also keep growing. And isn't that true! I understand that designations change from one year to another and from one company to another but I have no answer to my daughter's query. In 5 years I might have more dots in my career chart and I hope to connect them together in a solid line.

Three years theory- This year I proved again my theory of childhood that it takes 3 years or less for a us to accept a new city or a place. This is my third year in this city and now I have started feeling comfortable about it, I have learned to understand its strengths and weaknesses.  I have started debating with new comers in the city, who don't find any reason to like this city. I was in the same page last year, today I feel home here. Having lived and left many places, I have found that only after travelling the path of newness, irritations, loneliness, reaching out, making friends, and then my brain accepts a place.

Let it go- Most of our problems arise because we are unable to let the moment go. We sometimes become so attached and grow comfort with a thing of life that we try not to change that like Not, let the child grow, let the career flow, let the relationship mature or let the life pass by.

Change is the only constant and we need to learn to let life go slowly but surely...

The Fine Art Of Balancing Your Personal And Professional Goals

At different stages of their personal lives – seeking a life partner, marriage, having children, relocation due to partner’s transfer, divorce, providing care to the elderly/sick family members, working women in India find their personal goals in conflict with their professional goals.

Just as we feel we are ‘achievers’ on our first job and start planning for the  next role of our
 interest, we begin getting suggestions from people around us (sometimes, including our bosses!) 
to settle down in life i.e. get married or get kids.

This is the first juncture in most urban Indian working women’s lives where we need to 
simultaneously think about personal and professional goals, and it continues. It is still mostly 
women who take on the challenge of relocation, career transition, short breaks, or quitting their 
career due to changes in their personal state. This impacts our lives deeply and can result in 
depression, and the guilt of non-performance in many of us, given that we start with high 
expectations for ourselves.

Here are a few tips on how women can cope in such situations and handle them effectively.

Clarity of thought and authority

This is most difficult part of the whole balance for working women in India. Generally, men are in
a better position here, as they are mostly not given any choice but to earn for the family. 
As working women, we need to learn to do a strength, weaknesses, opportunities and
 threats (SWOT) analysis and take authority of our work choices, aspirations, and the return on 
interest (ROI) for at least 3-5 years. This will help us to make informed choices.

Parallel moves

It is not necessary to stop asking for more responsibilities at work, looking for a challenging project,
 new job or plan for higher education in anticipation of marriage or a child. As Sheryl Sandberg 
posits in Lean In, many of us stop pushing ourselves at work long before the day we really get 
married or have a child. This attitude of self doubt causes more voids in our career than there 
should be. It is viable to think about career goals and personal goals on parallel paths rather 
than in a chronological manner.

Break big tasks into chunks

For a new mother, a new project at work can be overwhelming and even unfulfilling. It can be 
managed instead by cutting the big task into smaller chunks and working on it in like 
working on a jigsaw puzzle. Think about completing the next step, not the entire project. Taking 
breaks and rewarding yourself at regular intervals are some simple steps for a motivation refill. 
The same approach of adopting short term goals as a parent will also help us not to get burnt 
out.

Lists and mind maps

We are very good at making lists, but now it is time to upgrade ourselves to mind maps, charts 
and visuals with attached timelines for required tasks. While working on the timeline of a project, 
resourcing, budgeting and future scope can be tracked simultaneously.

Express it and not just expect

As little girls, we were told to be good mannered and keep doing the good work without waiting 
for the results. In real life, everyone is busy around us and it is wrong to expect that our 
colleagues or partners will take the cues from our frowns and do what we want them to do. 
We need to express our thoughts loud and clear. We should talk more about our good 
performances, career aspirations, and future plans at work and at home as well.  
To achieve at life and work, we need a support team behind us. We cannot go far without using
 our voice.

Assessing opportunities

Dual career families, managing career after childbirth or relocations are common in most places 
across the world. Women are trying to cope with these situations using different work models.
 Understand your core skill sets and their range of applicability, if your situation doesn’t allow 
you to work in the same way you did earlier. For example, a teacher can think of online tutoring 
or creating contents for educational courses where her core competence will be utilised.

Practising mindfulness

Women are known for their multitasking skills. Planning the dinner menu while helping kids
with their homework is something we all do! But most of us become so involved with our
personal quest that it reflects in the workspace too and keeps us from the joy of fulfilment.
It is also true that work overpowers our personal space and we lose mindfulness at home.

Mindfulness and concentration on the work in hand is vital. It is difficult especially for mothers
 of newborn babies but this can be practiced through working in smaller chunks.

Reach out

In this virtual world, Google can bring answers to almost all the queries we have. As a young 
mother I was benefitted from websites like babycenter. Now, I closely follow communities like 
lean In, fleximoms and Women’s Web to gain perspectives from other women and learn about
 matters important to me. I often talk with my line manager and colleagues to learn more about a
 new component of work. We should reach out to others to share our thoughts, delegate duties,
 prioritise tasks, and for constant communication.

Take out ‘Me/Us time’

Most Indian women forget to hang out with their old friends after marriage and after having kids. 
Taking out time as couples or with friends is equally important to get a break from our rigorous 
daily routines. Use ‘me time’ to exercise, attend conferences, read, think, analyse, solve 
problems, fulfil hobbies, rejuvenate and  plan. Working mothers go through extreme guilt on 
this but taking a little ‘me time’ out can do wonders to the quality of your life.

Say no and negotiate

Indians are known for saying yes all the time. In the global environment that we live in, we 
should know our limitations and capabilities. Before saying yes to any task (whether it is analysis of a 
new data set or inviting friends home at short notice) ask yourself whether you have time and 
energy for that. Always say no to the work and not the person. Negotiate with objectivity and 
openness towards the situation.

Upgrade and update

It is essential to keep upgrading and updating ourselves on new technological and behavioural
 skills considering the fast changing landscapes both at work and home. Both 
democratic parenting and working in a global company requires lots of learning. Our laptops 
and mobile telephones are becoming smarter and so are our kitchen tops. We should not be 
afraid or closed about using new technology and their applications both at home and work. 
A person who can learn fast is respected and adored by others (even kids).

Imperfection and impromptu

Everything cannot be done perfectly or in a planned manner. Spontaneity helps us during 
emergencies and crisis. So lets keep a scope for impromptu dinners and some imperfect, 
nervous moments in our otherwise balanced life!

The art of balancing between professional and personal goals is to learn to work like an ant and 
enjoy like a grasshopper.

Published in www.womensweb.in

Rendezvous with an old list

I have this habit of creating lists, list of goals, list of projects, list of improving skills, list of mistakes made previously, list of things to do, grocery list, list for parenting ideas, list of activities to do with J, list of things that J need to do in the evening everyday, lists of things I want to teach her, list of stories I want to discuss with her, list of authors I want to introduce to her, list of music to listen, list of plants to plant when I will have a dream herb garden, list of monthly expenses, list of ideas for frugal living, list of gifts I wish to buy for my family, list of gifts I want to buy for myself, wish list created in an online book store website about books I want to buy and eventually read, list the points for giving a power point presentation, list of website to browse, list of places to travel, list of house chores I need to finish urgently, list of digital photos I wish to print in hardcopies, list of accessories I would like to have with some of my dresses, list of new colour combinations for office ware, outline the points before writing an article or a book (only 2 theses so far), list of things I want to share with my sister, brother, and daughter as they reach different stages of their lives which I have already visited, list of commands for software use which reduces my dependency on mouse, list of movies to see, list of television series which I missed while being busy in different parts of life specially trying to finish my PhD and raising J both at a same time.

I make these lists in my mind, using my phone app, on random but  only on yellow post-it, on the back of an envelope, on the calendar, on my daily planner, on any piece of paper, printed on A4 size paper hanging on the sideboard of my bay, on the back of a letter pad, in J’s rough notebook, in my project book,  on the margins of a weekend news paper (other days I don’t get to read news paper in the morning), in my husbands phone (grocery list), on a book mark, using MS word in laptop, on the leftover portion of a journal article printout (specially I used to plan experiment while in research), using a power point (outline of a presentation).

Normally making a list is half of the work done for me, sometimes I make a list and then spend days weeks with very sorted and happy go lucky smile on my face. After making a list I am sometimes very keen on ticking them off, but sometimes eons of laziness prevent me to do anything about any or many points on the list. I ponder on the point for some hours to days and then that point might slip from my mind. Specially for things with no urgency like list of photos to be printed or so on. But the process of list making continues.

Then one day while teaching maths to J, while cleaning my hand bag, while turning pages in my daily planner, while cleaning the study-desk, while looking at the calendar, while playing with my phone apps, while searching for a word document in my laptop, while throwing some old envelopes, while collecting the bookmarks from old books I meet with an old list. It is almost like meeting an old friend, it is like going back in days and peeking at my brain in past, it is absolute thrill to read that old list again and finding how many points are ticked off  or for that matter not ticked from that old list. Also finding that the teaching names of primary and secondary colours to J was so high priority in my list few years ago and today I don't even notice when she talks about complex colours like beige, magenta or olive green!

Are you a list maker? How do you feel when you meet with an old list?

Return to India - Its been a year

Diwali celebrations are in full swing all around. This reminds me that its been one year that I have returned to India for good.

Today when I look back to this year it has been, I can clearly visualise my journey back home and my takes on different phases of it. 

I was never in two minds for returning back to India after seeing and living in other countries while getting education and going through first phases of work life. When the opportunity to return actually arrived, it did put me in several minds. While living in Europe I have seen life of total independence, complete organisation, extremely selected social life and material high. Also that life was devoid of family members, festivals or just an overall feeling of living in my own country. After returning back I immediately realised that from now on life will be more threaded with relationships, less independent (social, economic and physical), less in comfort in terms of organisation or material but at the end of the day, with a cup of tea in my hand I found telling myself, yes this is India - this is the country which has given me a nationality and this is the country where we will not need any visa to live. This is the country where my family is rooted and this is the country where my daughter is trying to find a root. It was not an easy situation for me, and I guess for anyone who goes through similar changes in life.

How organised you are?

Unfortunately I am not. Once on seeing my scrap book (real one) where I had collections of write ups from friends, seniors and teachers since I finished my class 4, one of my friend while we were in college said, "Your scrap book is very enriched but not organized, very much like you." I took that comment more as a compliment than a criticism. Yes, it is by default that I cannot live in a organized,  neat, preplanned way, but I do like to live a random; zig-zag kind of life, but where I get opportunity to learn.  Experienced people in different times have told me  "Don't do something that you want to learn but think what will be good for you or for the ongoing project." I agree, but also if the things needed to be done for the project or for my good, don't raise my interest, then they will not be able to keep me running for long term. I was adamant at this logic few years ago, but with time I learned that interests do cultivate with time, if it is not very faraway from your core liking. So I keep going with my randomness, may be with more precaution added each year.

The scenario of randomness gets heightened specially in the mornings of the days when I  invite someone for a dinner. I see the plethora of work to be done, I see the different surfaces in the living room, covered with magazines, bills, other stuffs like keys, papers etc. etc. But somehow situation do get under control at the end.

But things get even more tough before going to a conference,  or moving out or before a  big project. I keep making lists but somehow I feel that one directional list is not enough in these situations, some kind of three dimensional spider web shaped lists are needed where I can do three jobs at a time.

And most of the time I feel that this critical condition happens to me only. Please comment generously and support me by  saying that I am not alone in this state of mind.

There might be one more reason behind this feeling of self criticism is that I live amidst of super organizers.  My colleague in office; his table is ever neat, his notebooks are very clean and his results and literature are always updated. His motto in life is one at a time. Another friend of mine, talks very less, very efficient + organized worker, keeps very good laboratory notes, and never takes work back home. Although she says it is because of the nature of her job, but I don't know if I would have ever been able to do that. Another close friend, well he is not exactly organized but is very good in prioritized approach, he does things needed to be done in proper time and not necessarily he does it all  but he does the most needed work (remember that urgent vs. important phenomena). And common in all these people are they are very focused. When they work they work and when they watch movie they watch movie.

They don't think about a movie (or child or parents or what to cook in the evening or I need to pay the telephone bill latest by tomorrow) while working or think about work while watching movie. Yes, I do do that, not always, but at those times when I feel the need to do three kinds of work at a time. The worst I do now-a-days is read stories to 'J' without absolutely understanding what is happening in the story, meaning my eyes read and my brain think about all those pending underlined works from the list.

Till now, I have noticed I go through three (or three and  a half) stages before a big project, first is ignorance where I underestimate the robustness of the project and feel relaxed that it will get finished. In this period, I try to understand the project, read about it, frame the questions and so on. Irrespective of whether it is a  question in my laboratory or at home, like teaching alphabets to 'J'. This is a slow phase, and is a calm one.

Then comes a period where I am acting, finding answers to one question but facing two new questions after finishing of each act, this state of mind is very exciting and tiring as well. Any project whether the scientific ones which are dealt in the academic levels in laboratories or the home ones like teaching your child to learn reading are never ending, there remains always some unanswered questions, there remains always scope for further refinements. But at this period of action I think not only I, but everybody wants to get the best. This is the most occupied state, sometimes depressing too. This is also the stage where I feel the need of more hours in a day.

Then after dwelling a while in the previous stage comes a time where I say to myself okay this is it, these are the results, and these are the explanations,  these are the developments, these are the things I have learned, these are the things which can be done further, but at present it is beyond the scope. Once reached there it is a nice state of mind, satisfactory and calming. Here I watch movie and don't think of anything else.

Once having told that to myself, the next challenge, is to explain that to the collaborators/family members, bosses/family members and reviewers/family members. 

This stage of explanations can lead to a second round of action, where it is essential that I take care what others are expecting or thinking about the project, and take into account about their inputs. This step is very critical one as very fine tuning is needed while dealing with others opinion, it is extremely important that I respect others view, but I also try (still learning)  to put forward those points of mine which I think are necessary, important and reasonable for the project, for me. Again it is true both at work and home front. Normally there is a trend of getting emotional at this state, specially when I have put long hours in finishing or achieving something and an expectation arise that if I am respecting and understanding another person's views s/he should think for me too. But I have learned again and again that it is better to express my views than to keep expecting that my views will get heard/understood automatically. A stressful situation arises when I and others don't believe on same principle. So when I say this is right the other might say no you are absolutely wrong. This can be true, as  everybody has his/her own way of dealing a certain situation/problem/habit. Everybody aims for different deliverable from same project. There can be conflict of interests. A common platform is needed to be found out, in work front this can be tackled by arranging tactfully the experimental evidences, literature from other works to support/not support my/others views. At home front also very honest and logical approach is necessary.

Discussion is always important. Putting forward my own thought I feel is necessary, although l am still learning this art. Words unsaid could not be heard or understood, words are made to be told, of course balance is necessary, politeness is an absolute must and exaggeration should be avoided .

Well I think everybody goes through these states of mind, only difference is that the time period we spend in each of these state, may categorize us into organized vs. not so organized ones.

For me impulsiveness does override the compulsiveness in a situation, leads to a long period of 'do it all' state.  Sense of prioritization is also bit fizzy in me; for example now I am writing this blog and not thinking about tomorrows meal. A tug of war remains between what I should do to what I want to do. Lets see whether one amongst the two will win or the two will learn to live with each other may be not in an equal partnership but most probably in the 80:20  ratio.

Why I love Science and Languages and shy from Mathematics?

We are built up into what we are today not just because of our own whims and dreams, nor by our parent's or family's, there has been a third factor who has influenced our upbringing a lot, they might or might not have noticed that while they were teaching a bunch of thirty 4-5 times a day 6 days a week. And we, those bunches were like a plasticine clay dough who slowly got molded by them,  their passion or their negligence. In the post "Taare Zameen Par" era I should not dare to blog about the role of a teacher in a child's life but then let me dare.

We are all diverse, children and their teachers as well. It is always a click-chemistry that counts between a student and  a teacher just like in any other relationship, well again Taare Zameen Par has depicted that elaborately.

I am lucky to say that most of the language and science teachers I had in my life were very approachable (first criteria to attract a child's interest) but when I picture those who taught me mathematics were very distant and cold with big eyes and deep voices. I now a mother myself can easily understand that how seeing my maths teachers I started connecting maths to that dryness. I felt numbers to be  boring and I could not connect numbers with the language and science which I was falling in love with. Yes, even not with science. Science books I had to read in primary school years were very picturesque (mostly black and white though) and qualitative, seldom there were any interconnection. I remember drawing water cycle with arrows and labels, rarely related the state of waters with their temperatures, made life cycles of butterfly or plants but never really thought of the time periods involved in each processes.

Only in secondary classes I slowly realized the connection between qualitative phenomena we were studying in sciences and the hidden quantities behind them, and slowly I started getting fun doing the maths required for Physics or Chemistry. Then also I never could think of  the relation between biology and statistics or maths in that sense. The subject maths was still not much fun for me. Anything quantitative was not my cup of tea. But I had to deal with numbers and amounts as I wanted to continue in science. So I started sharing a love hate relationship with maths and that continues till now. There are some parts of it which I can digest but then I mostly try to take a bypass route whenever I see long equations and so on.

Interestingly my sister who has got equivalent atmosphere at home like me, is but opposite to me, language is her hurdle and maths is her love. That too we can relate to a very enthusiastic and approachable maths teacher she got at very early stage of her life. This maths teacher showed her the fun behind cracking problems and she got hooked into it, but unfortunately she never got any good language teacher and she slowly lost her ways in languages, she finally accepted it that she is not good in language and had made content with that. 

Although we both think a proper exposure and little more guidance at school could have helped us to come out of our limitations.

These are only two examples, the same is true with all subjects and for every student of India. After coming to Europe I was amazed to see the combination of subjects students can choose here (in secondary school or in college) and the support they get once they have chosen some thing.  It is actually a far better way to carve a path for a career later on then everybody studying a general line and competing with each other in every field. Recently I heard of a Spanish boy who wants to become a diplomat and wants to work in embassy, so he is studying Economics, English and Public administration. He is also preparing himself for the profession by taking short tours or internships in countries like India to understand people around the world. I don't know whether boy or girl in their twenties think like that in Europe, but I have seen most of them taking a small break after finishing school and doing internships in several fields to find out what they like, what they want to be.  They say a profession in which they will be involved for 30-40 years should be interesting enough for them.  It is fine to use 1-2 year in finding that specific liking for a particular profession. So in most cases they are very good in what they are doing. A school teacher becomes a teacher because he wants to be a teacher not because he could not become a doctor or an engineer and then he had to become a teacher.  He also gets a very good training to become that. A possibility which is almost nil in Indian society even today. Our parents will not like this proposal and also cannot afford this kind of uncertain breaks. Our teachers will not support that too. If a child does not get admission in engineering, medical, law, management or science through competitive channels they will try their best to book a sit in a private colleges for their kids. I know an Indian student very closely who is an artist, who loves animation, photography, music but who is preparing for state level  administration exams because that is a real kind of job in an Indian society.  A sound designer who gives sounds to video games is not very well accepted job in India.

I find no words for these set of believes, because after coming to Europe I have seen an alternative way of education, I see how compatible the students are when they decide to do research in Science then for example I was when I finished my Master's in India. Also as a mother I dream to provide an open education environment for my kid, I know how difficult it is to continue a job for years which is not close to ones heart and I understand how critical the role of Indian youth is going to be in coming years as they are the largest youth population of the world. 

It is very urgent that Indian education system changes itself to provide space to explore for its students. The role of a parent is very important specially not to throw their dream or social expectation on their child's life, but then students themselves have to stand up and say what they want with confidence, it is their life after all. And may be it is a very impractical demand but the teachers should be able to counsel a student and show him some alternative ways except for pushing the whole class for engineering or medical exams.

India is under construction we do need engineers, India has second largest population of the world, we do need doctors but we also need properly trained and enthusiastic teachers, public administrators and artists, chefs, food critics, entrepreneurs, bankers, sports persons, scientists and so on. All educated and trained for their own jobs and not leftover from other professional training.

Work-Life balance: Is there any?

Recently I was bit surprised to read a wall post on my FB from my cousin saying about not to mix professional and personal life. I was surprised as he is a first year college student, living with his very caring parents and so, he does not have any idea of professional and personal commitments as in real sense.

I immediately commented him that do you know that it is extremely difficult in todays world, he replied that this is his dream, though he does not know what the reality is and how his life will be. 

'Work-life balance' a very complicated and layered term I feel. It has different meaning for every person. It entirely depends on the kind of work he/she is involved in and the availability of social help for him or her. Today for some or I must say for most  of us it is fine to intertwine both together and proceed towards a blurred life.

After having many years of hovering guilty clouds in my mind shouting at me that I am the worst mother of the world and very bad in balancing work with life, I must say that at last I have been able to overpower those negative feelings recently (well most of the time).  My 6 and half year old child who stays almost 9-10 hours every weekdays without me (in school, after-school club or in a friends house) often tells me that she thinks that her mum is very funny and fine. You believe it or not this gives a tremendous boost to me and melts down slowly all those years of guilt consciousness I had grown in my mind while she was a toddler. 

Today whenever I see any toddler's mother feeling guilty about leaving her child in a day care for long hours I say her something which no body ever told me in that stage and that is "Don't worry, your child will not remember these days and believe me as long as her day care is a happy, safe and healthy place to stay your child will grow fine." Catching childhood illnesses at a day care is a common thing for a toddler going to day care for a long time and this period is a very testing period for every working parent.  This is also the time when most of the working mothers step down or out of their work. 

Work is ever growing and some professions like academics, medicine, law needs many more hours than normal 8 allocated for work in our world. With more women trying to enter in these fields, balancing between two demanding jobs and 1 or 2 small kids becomes a challenge for young parents to tackle it all, round the clock. It becomes a necessity for at least one of the parent to slow down ( often mothers) to keep things going.

Work - life balance is a never ending juggle and needs constant care specially when kids are small, any of the family member get sick or before a big project. On several occasions one don't have any family help and cannot afford to hire extra hands. Often at these situations the level of patience decreases among couples resulting into disharmony between them. But understanding of each others work schedule and joint approach towards parenting often is the best way to overcome these jumbled up days.

Then comes another situation where when two parents are doing same or even different kind of jobs and it is very common that they don't find jobs in the same cities and one of them might need to commute either daily, weekly, quarterly or even yearly. Distant parents miss the milestones of growing child and the nearby parent keep getting more stressed. In these situations other members of the family specially grand parents can be a great help but it is not always possible for many, for examples for expats or when grand parents themselves are ill. Prioritizing work and domestic chores, reaching out for  help with other families and communities, increasing social interactions is extremely important to overcome the feeling of loneliness and overwhelming responsibilities. Trying every possible way to reduce the separation time between family members is worth trying although it can pinch ones pocket. And finally if possible it is always good to find a final solution to the distance.

All in all, an entirely equal world which has been a dream of many philosophers for years is not an easy state to achieve, with equal rights to education and having similar jobs for both men and women the balance which has been created from long time in history of raising a child, looking after the house by a woman and earning and bringing money home by a man has got all entangled now. It requires few more generations to create a new kind of balance between work and life.

Some more interesting links : Time to hire a housekeeper (Science Magazine) 

                                               Scientist dad step up (Science Magazine),

Life of a vagabond

Today was a very nice day, exceptional from regular routines, and anybody who is following this blog now and then, must have noticed that I am a person who does make lists but favours spontaneous moments of living.

I love the idea of finding something unknown as life unfolds into the next chapter. I hate having a clear cut image of what can or will happen tomorrow. To my great delight, life has been quite surprising till now, those what I had planned never worked the way it should be (or may be I never planned that good!), but on the way I had fun and lots of learnings, and every time I ended up into a new corner, thought for a while about what could happen next, started again and again ended up into a different destination then the one which I had in my mind before starting the journey. 

In this pursuit of living an unpredictable, constantly changing life, along with several memories, I have gathered many other wisdom too, which might be useless abstract whims of mind for many but for me they are extreme pieces of treasures.

Unforgettable friends and their friendship

When I call some old friend back at home, they sound so lonely even in their own land, they say they don't have any new friends, only some long distance ones like me with whom they have studied in college or university, and I in contrast  get so many hands to shake, and so many smiling faces wanting to be my friends to whichever new place I went. May be because at each place I know I will be here only for a short while and so in order to enjoy my days I open up myself without caring for any criticism or formality, and that helps.

Optimism and determination

As I normally don't know the next station where my journey will stop either in terms of place or in terms of work or culture, therefore I have learned to be optimistic and positively determined for the future. I have learned from my previous experiences that nothing can stop a desired journey, it might get a little late from some unforeseen obstacles, but the learnings from those obstacles can only help to move forward. From my past I have learned to believe strongly on the famous Hindi saying that when one door get closed, you will find several windows opening in front of you.

Flexibility and understanding towards others nature, culture and belief

I have got exposure to lots and lots of people, from different places, origins and religions.  I don't try therefore to analyse or criticise a person's comment on the perspective of how I felt about that, but on why or what made him say that? I try to find explanation regarding others behaviour, may be sometimes so much softness does not work, and I end up feeling useless but at the end it is not that harmful,  at least I never end up making an enemy.

Patience 

This is another virtue which I have learned, specially in Europe where people are very responsible and very patient, they will never burn a government bus for protesting against unsatisfactory Government bills or regulations. They of course show their protests, in newspaper columns or by an organised strike for one hour or so.

Taking responsibility of my own decision

This might not only due to my travel prone life but also due to some extreme decisions I have taken, I have often complained and nagged about them specially on those which turned out as a failure, but slowly I am learning to take responsibility of my own deeds both at work and at home, as a woman it is a great learning and I will try my best to pass this parcel to 'J' too, as unless and until we women are learning to do this, we will keep shouting of glass ceiling, inequality,  feminism and nothing will happen.     

Finally the biggest learning form my vagabond life is that life is once in a lifetime opportunity, so why waste it on meaningless demands, and why not let it flow on its own path, and while it flows why not try to enjoy the journey to its fullest?

p.s.: I will be lying if I don't add that, I do feel friendless lonely creature at times, I become an extreme  pessimist at many phases of my life, I do cringe on the person making silly negative comments on me and I do loose patience sometimes following several rules trying to balance the dual nature of an expat life. I do sometimes want be pampered like little girl in spite of demanding equality both at home at work. But in those situations I (most of the time) sit back and assure myself that at least I should  try to overcome these negative moments just by thinking that this 'time' is not going to come back, so it is not worth to waste it under the clouds.

Discrete incidents

Negotiation skills:

It is school holiday for 'J', but she has a holiday club to go.

She doesn't want to go as unlike in school she doesn't have constant friends in holiday club, because mostly parents try to optimise their holidays around their kids holidays, and it is not necessary that same set of kids come to holiday club every day, I also optimise and take leave around 'J' 's school holidays or arrange with her friend's mothers to give her a full day of play date. But comparing to school holidays (6 weeks of summer + 2 weeks of spring+2 weeks of autumn+4-6 teacher training days+some other days) my holidays are  very less.

So there are some days when she has to go to holiday club, and those are the days which are like test for both of us. 'J' tries her negotiation skills to its fullest.

She starts previous night, 

"Mum can you pick me up at 3 p.m tomorrow." Normal pick up time is 6 p.m.

I say, I will try but then we need to go early. She says "Yes, of course."

In the morning as it is not normal school day, she just don't want to get up and get dressed. But finally seeing me ( and my increasing frequency of looking at the clock) she gets ready and on the way to the club she asks (very politely), "What time is it Mum?" I say "It is already 10 a.m., I am very late for office." She smiles meekly.

Before pressing the buzzer on the gate of the holiday club she asks "Mum is it possible to for you to come at 4.30 p.m. to pick me up." I smile and say "Okay I will try to wrap up as fast as possible, I will try but I don't promise."

Then we enter the club and she finds big bunch of her school friends are already there beaming with smile and are getting ready for whole day of art, craft and getting messy.

She jumps and joins the gang, comes back hugs me, says me good bye and adds "Mum you can come after finishing your work properly."

I hug her back,  give a final look at the watch and walk fast towards work with a little relief.

                                             ***********

Monetizing chores: 

'J' has got a teddy recently from her Masi and she is always thinking about the dresses/shoes etc her teddy needs. 

Living in a small town means there are no toy shops with elaborate things like doll clothing. So last weekend we spent a lot of time to see the dresses for kids aged 0-3 months. They should in principle fit her teddy. They are quite expensive too.

So I decided to make some funny dresses for her teddy using our old things. Reason was also to show her that one can also live without buying things (sometimes). So she was happy for one week. But now as it is rainy and cold, her teddy might get cold and 'J' thinks it is essential to buy a jacket or at least a cardigan for her teddy. 

She loves buying, and this love is increasing each year. An alarm bell keeps ringing inside my head telling me to teach her value for money. After all I don't want her to lead a credit-laden adult life.

So I sit with a pen and paper, make a list of chores she can do if she wants and on completion of a certain number of chores every day she can earn some money. She can use these money as her own money and decide what she needs to buy with that. 

She commented that it is very hard to earn money and I smiled.

She behaved very nice and earned all the points for one day, but next day she is angry and thinks it is unfair and why I cannot buy for her what ever she wants to buy and adds she doesn't like me anymore.

It will be very hard to install the nature of thinking before buying, to differentiate between needs and wants and also the habit of saving before spending in her. Specially when kids of today are haunted by TV advertisements, peer pressure and new market products every day.

But I want to stick to it, as I feel world is getting full of materials and there is no end of buying. Compulsive buying gives a momentarily peace but hunger for more returns back pretty soon. It is very important to understand what do we need and how much we need. I believe that buying cannot be a hobby, I might be called, old fashioned and insensitive mum for that, but that doesn't matter.

A little chit-chat

It is Sunday evening, the small hand of the living room clock is about to touch 9 and the big hand is somewhere between 8 and 10, I am desperately trying to fix the after dinner kitchen scenario and also trying to plan a little for dreadful Monday morning and then came my little 'J' with a confident mood for a little chit-chat to expand (I cannot find any better word; help me if you find any!) her weekend, and here it goes:

'J':  Mummy lets solve some problems.

Me (my hands cleaning the kitchen top randomly):  Shoot;

'J':  What does shoot mean?

Me:  It is another words for ask (after thinking a while that she should not use such slangs at school), but it is used more between mum and kids.

'J':  Okay here is the problem:

Myra and Mira were twins and Myra is 7 year old. Once their mother gave them  a basket of 10 apples each. Myra bumped to you and you were very greed and took all her apples, Mira bumped on Daddy and he was little greedy and took half of Mira's apples and then she bumped on me and I took all the left overs.

Now tell me how old is Mira?

Me:  7 years (proud to be able to answer her question for a change)!

'J':  Bravo mamma! Here comes the next;

Me (stopped cleaning and sat with her on the sofa):  Okay, I am ready.

'J':  Myra's mother has 5 kids, and they are called, Mira, Ira, Lira and Strawberry, what is the name of the fifth kid?

I (smiled) and answered it right too!

Me:  Now it is my chance, Mummy has lots of work to do and it is quarter to 6 p.m in the office, she need to reach the after school club at 6 to pick up her daughter, else the club will get close, what shall she do?

'J':  Call a Taxi, it is eezy peezy lemon sqeezy!

Me:  Very good! Now next one and difficult one:

Mum will go back to her homeland and what if she doesn't get a job there, what shall she do?

'J':  What you always say to me, try again and don't give up!

Me (Hugging her tightly and forgetting that the clock struck 9):  Thank you 'J' for boosting up my energy.

'J':  What does boosting mean?

Me (taking her in arms and lifting her up in the air, and she giggling in the same way as she did when she was 6.5 months old):  Boosting means lifting high up in the air!

Finally our weekend ends.

Biweekly work reports: Tracking your research

During my Phd, the mantra in our group was to do experiments, collect and analyse data, plot them, file them and discuss them only when they are interesting or unexpected.  A scientific story would eventually grow after many repetitive steps and would take a shape of a journal or conference paper. So it became my habit to keep doing experiments and wait till something exciting happens. Reporting each and every experiment was not needed. It is a rare opportunity to get so much independence during PhD. As most of the time, PhD is all about walking on a chalked out path.

After joining as a Post doctoral researcher in an another group I found here the trend is to jot down each and every days experiments, analysis, observations and create a report. What have you done in last two weeks and what you want to do in next two weeks should be mentioned in a nut shell. These reports are then discussed in details in a group meeting between all group members.

In the beginning it was very difficult and depressing for me as I was not accustomed to write about negative results or experiments that did not work. In a two week interval often this is only something that happens in a scientists work place! At some points I also felt this report writing as a waste of time when the data were still not final and further refinements were needed.

I was shy to write these in a report as for me writing meant lots of exciting data and a complete story. Thanks to my persistent boss and organised colleague who persuaded me to keep a log of whatever I am doing. Slowly but steadily it became a habit of mine to open report template in MS Word as soon as I start the computer.

Although, my shyness for showing only negative results is still there but I started writing down all the reasons behind them in the report. And often turned out that contrary to my belief that negative results where not because of my mistakes but because of some unavoidable circumstances (instrumental error etc). 

Handing out a written document also  requires proper presentation in the form of tables, structural schemes and graphs. The text should also be well explained, formatted and must have proper references. In a way after writing biweekly reports for 6-8 months I found that without knowing I have already prepared many structural schemes, figures and tables of the results which gives a quick review of all the work I was doing on the project. A list of references was slowly building up.

In contrast to the PhD tenure when I used to get overwhelmed before a poster or oral presentation, now the things are little less overwhelming as the results have been written and  plotted already.

Continuous writing method also helps to find the reason and explanation behind each data and helps to plan for the next. For proper formulation of scientific text in the report I also need to keep reading about things going on in the literature world.

As a whole after few months of biweekly report writing I find that this is a good way to keep a  track of the science in your lab and keep it moving too. 

Amidst of things to do labyrinth

Working pattern has changed completely in our days, although we hear a lot about companies providing facilities to work from home and do flexi timings, but that actually means we need to work at night or in the weekends or even during annual leaves. Works are no longer done in paper by pen. They are done in computers by computers and we are there to analyse, criticise, regularise and control the works done by them. Their comes the problem. If we need to send a letter to somebody it takes five minutes, we get the reply with in next five minutes and then we need to do the next step the chain continues and a 9 to 5 job expands to 24 hours. This is affecting all the professions. I am in science and can easily feel the difference. Fifteen years ago when I started in this field I was expected to make graphs and the do the analytical calculations in a notebook. The data obtained from the instruments I used then were not so complex. They did not need further back up by theoretical simulations. The information obtained from those studies were also much more crude. But that was the level and everybody were following same way of working. PCs were there but we were still limited to work place. We did not started carrying our laptops with us and we did not have mobiles in our hands. Now every instrument is computerised and is able to deliver large number of data with no time. Data needs to be explained and analysed by us and it creates a pressure on us when the supply of data and their analysis are not done in same pace. The art of doing science has become very elaborate. Detailed structural analysis, functional information and reaction mechanism is required for a peer reviewed publication or grant approval. International collaborations, world class facilities and easy access to scientific information has also mobilised the scientific community as a whole. The gap between developed and developing countries in delivering good research is decreasing and that is also creating extra stress on individual level. Hundreds of students now a days migrate to different countries to pursue their Masters, Phd and Postdoctoral research and then they either stay in the host country or come back to their homeland for better perspective. In both cases they need to be very very competitive and are expected be able to live a highly stressed life. Work is becoming life and when we get little time out of work we try to fulfil all our incomplete wishes and thus get stressed again. This cycle many times creates immense dissatisfaction, chronic health problems and unhappiness. It is a high time that we learn to distinguish between positive and negative stress. Career is needed to be taken care of but there are many other things which are also needed to be cared for.

L'oreal award for Women in Science

Found this very inspiring booklet called "L'Oréal-UNESCO Women in Science Booklet" in Science.
The booklet contains stories of several successful women scientists from all around the world and specially of those who are working from or for developing countries like Pakistan, Jordan, Uzbekistan, Turkey, Romania.
The scientists have shared their science and their happiness on being able to pursue the career they had dreamt for. Many prize recipient are also mothers of young children and accepted the fact that there are times when balancing between scientific career and family becomes extremely challenging as both demands equal attention at same time window. But all of them insisted that strong will power, hard work, proper time management, social support and persistence can help young women to move forward and get success in their endeavour. They also mention the benefit after receiving the award on their career through international collaborations.
The booklet includes a list of helpful resources at the end for women who are looking for a career in science or engineering.
"L'oreal award for women in science" undoubtedly encourages women scientist all over the world to open up their scientific achievements to the world.
More booklets like this are welcome which can be very interesting read for all struggling women scientists.