The Sad State of Indian Married Men!

Disclaimer: I am not trying to prove any point here for Indian Married Men (IMM), only that we the Indian married women (IMW) may need to be little less judgmental towards IMM and more compassionate. IMMs are after all another species biologically and have different ways of doing things. Most of all they are pretty lonely and confused in Indian territory. 

No status development in last 100 years:  Compared to Indian married women (IMW),  Indian married men (IMM)  have achieved nothing in last 100 years, IMW were burned as a sati, married off as a child, burdened with birth of children every alternate years, stopped from getting educated, and go out of their home premises. In contrast to that today IMW are going strong in every aspect of their lives, they have entered the sacrosanct 'men only' areas of profession (Read-offices, laboratories, factories, police stations, court rooms, pilots cabin) with full thrust. They are entering within the bars and disco's even more to enjoy the hard work they are putting in.  IMM on the other hand are still going to work like their grandfathers with a lunchbox in their hands and working hard to remain just a bread winner. They are still struggling to enter into 2 domains which is IMW specialty for generations - that is the Indian home kitchens and raising kids! They cannot get leave from work even when they get their precious babies!

No supporting team:  IMW have worked as a team for 3 generations, grand mothers and mothers have given all their wisdom to their daughters regarding "man kinds" and made them fit to fight for a living. Fathers try to support their daughters in education and make them financially independent.  IMW have understood that it is not necessary to work tirelessly with 10 invisible hands like their mothers generations. They now invest in getting help from other women instead as maids, nanny, cooks or men as a drivers, gardeners, grocers etc. In contrast IMM don't have any support team at all.They are supposed to know the finances even if they are bad in counting. Father-son relationship in India is very skewed, fathers never reveal any of their wisdom regarding women to their sons. They actually stop talking with each other from pretty early state and boys are left to their moms to be raised.  IMM are thrown into life without any wisdom from previous generations of men. So they need to invent the wheel all over again.

Raised by older versions: IMM raised by previous generations of women are fed with all the emotional quotient of mother - son equation. Each extra egg that they got to eat than their sister has big return costs. They come to know about this much later.The mothers sacrificial love to their sons  numb the logical thinking of IMM when it comes to discuss any matter with their mothers.

Challenges with upgraded versions: Raised by god and kitchen loving mothers when Indian man sees a woman of today, they get awed. They feel the liberation of being with a not so emotional buddy. They want to marry them immediately. None of his peers or seniors tell him the hidden cost of marrying a modern ambitious woman.  She is not a goddess or a slave like before but a human who demands equality to the extent of sharing the pain of child birth too. It is only after marriage IMM experiences the conflict between old and new version of the software called Mother and wife in his life. The attractive buddy before marriage suddenly turns into a sore face if he favours his mother in any choices related to home and family. 

Shuttling between diverse expectations: Just after marriage the IMM realise that all the emotional bonding of his mother since his childhood demands a big cost of favouring the mother other than the wife. If he fails to do that he is doomed by his mother and the society, Indian television channels are showing these cases in mega serials. He has to remain a mama's boy all his life. He did not know either that the high degree, qualifications, full time high paying job and those manicured hands of the woman that allured him before marriage comes with a cost of trails of maids, cooks and others which his mother never felt the need of. He does not know how to take his wife to the disco after marriage where they used to meet before marriage under the nose of his temple going mother. IMM gets confused by the change in specifications of upgraded new woman of today. The only similarity of both is they use tears before they hang.

No dedicated webspace:  In this advanced era of internet and technology there are several communities formed by the women, for the women and from the women of India, (womensweb, sheroes, relauncher, jobs for her, India today women) there is not a single site dedicated to the IMM and their personal issues. No one speaks about them in India, they are the most ignored lot. IMM is perceived only to know about politics, sports, and gadgets and they are forced to read nothing more than that. Their fathers had similar problems when women came out with several printed magazines for each region and men had to read only India today! 

No mentor or peer to talk personal issues: Have you ever heard IMM talking with each other regarding any bed time rituals or challenges to cope with a distance  marriage? No, just like the men of previous generations, IMM of today don't speak about their emotions in public. It is a taboo, it makes them weaker than others. So issues are not raised, not discussed and not resolved in men's space. They linger. Unfortunately IMM don't have brains to open a conversation too. 

No innovation in group activities: IMW are pushing their limits when it comes to group activities, they have extended their hobbies from knitting and sewing that were their mothers hobbies to travelling in women only groups, participating in car rallies, going trekking, wine crushing, baking Italian breads. Each of them are pushing the limits of community and social living slowly but steadily. For IMMs the social activities still remains dry drinking, playing cards or golf, discussing world politics or sports, photography and video games. Boring. No Innovation at all.

Conclusive remarks: IMM haven't got any support from the society to change their social behavior and status, they are in auto pilot mode for almost a century. So IMW now you being a more understanding species give your hands to the IMM, unburden them from the status of being the only bread winner, let them take paternity leave, teach your husband and sons to cook, laugh out loud, share emotions and cry too. Take them to spas and make them feel the wonders of pedicure, create websites to discuss their emotions, write books for them and not push them to read politics and sports as men's magazines. Help them becoming a human and not only a man!!

Not so easy things of life...

It happens to all of us but we always think that it is happening only to us. All of us go through certain stages of life where confusion takes over and we feel entangled. Most of the time we feel overwhelmed as we see others not in the same stage but then if we observe a little more we can see each one of us are dealing with Not so easy things of life... Each in their own way... Each in their own terms...

Crossroad symptom- Once my father told me not to cross a road on the crossroads where 4 roads meet. He showed me how vehicles were coming from four sides and how difficult it was to judge the correct time to cross it. He showed how some people were trying to do that and were getting frustrated and angry.  We walked little further  on the road and we could easily cross the road.
I experienced the same when I became a mother as a phd student. I guess any woman or man goes through this  when they become parents and try to balance their lives along with a new bundle (of joy!) and the regular demands of life. Many times without much help from extended families like me in a foreign land and lots of self expectations of having a picture perfect life like those shown in the postcards. This is also the time when I learnt that my career and my child are equal in priority for me and that as much I want to do good in my career I wouldn't be able to do that without proper support ( emotional, physical and economical) for my child. It took some years for me to find ways around this situation, now 5-7 years away from preliminary years of parenting I could see how fragile and nervous I was at that time. I did not have a friend who could inspire or listen to my worries at that time. I had only male researchers around me married or not, parent or not, and I could not confide to them. They could not see any problem and they were publishing like anything. That was my limitation of not being able to reach out and to try to cross the road where 4 roads were meeting. That state of mind impacted my career and future choices/decisions to a large extent.

Today upon finding a way for myself I see so many other new mothers passing through same phase.

Two boat situation- It took me some years to accept that as much I like reading, thinking and presenting about science, I don't look forward towards technical processing of science. I did not like the repetitiveness of experiments to be performed and the dependence on one boss for greater part of the scientific career. I took strong decision of spending a big money to learn something related but outside of bench science. I started learning about that new field. This time I was more careful about my choices and started to look for jobs in both fields. My ongoing research field and newly learned scientific writing field. This process enhanced my confidence and enabled me to talk with senior people from 2 different domains in the name of interviews.

There are times when we can't pick just one path and need to keep walking on parallel roads. This can be exhausting but for me this helped.

Guilt free mode- I cannot tell you the date but it is around the time when my daughter was turning 5. She was getting relocated from one country to another with me and was mostly accepting things positively with some mild aberrations, seeing her handling things with a smile I could see those long lived guilt clouds leaving me. I could feel for the first time that my daughter would survive and succeed in this world and that she could take so much change easily more so because she was a day care goer from very early age.
Also, one day while talking with her she told me that she did not remember that she used to cry in the mornings before leaving me for day care as a toddler ( my major trigger for guilt- I realised this later) but she remembered her friends in day cares and the doll houses. From that day onward started my guilt free mode of life.

2nd chance is rare and should be nourished- I received an opportunity for further research, and I took the chance to try once more and  I am glad I did that. Research after Phd is very different and enables us to work in independent environment. Sharpens our transferable skills like teaching, communication, and problem solving. Help us earn good money to lay path for next chapter of life. After availing the second chance I was sure that I really don't want to 'do' science, but facilitate, write about it or nurture science in other ways.

Calculated risks and diluted ego- I learned to take calculated risks and say yes to
opportunities which were opening new frontiers to me. I still did not learn to negotiate though. Higher education come with a baggage of ego and pride, having taken calculated risk and stepping into a new domain, I could not afford to keep my ego boosted. It was required to bust my ego and quickly find a niche for myself in the new domain. I started using the skills learned in previous jobs, like attention to details and a knack to teach and train others. Sincere involvement  and a mind to take new challenges came easily upon taming my ego. Ego never helps in anything. The less we have the better we die.

Same problems but different approach- In the new job I soon started pouring in long hours and though there was no experiments to be planned this time but there were telecons and meetings with different team members living in different time zones. I could relate to these situations from past experiences. I started taking different approach than handling them in previous manner and waiting for different results. This time,  I was more confident and mindful, with less expectation. I simplified things wherever possible by expressing and demanding help at home, making my daughter independent in doing simple chores. I learned to walk further up the road and avoid crossing it on the crossroads.

Circle of friends-  From previous experiences I learned that it is necessary to continue to make friends from all facets of life, from different genre of living. A childhood friend might not understand my present state of mind and a college friend might find me a bore altogether. So I learned to make friends from neighbourhood and internet. I have many blogger friends with whom I share thoughts that my sister might also find difficult to engage with.

Inspire and get inspired- I don't shy anymore to discuss about the lessons learnt through my journey.  I share them with my colleagues who are in similar phase as I was few years ago. I observe and learn from others who are little ahead of me in career. I have a good network of like minded friends to talk, argue, debate and agree to disagree. I am learning about a new domain, new roles and designations, and new models of work in each day.

The dotty connect- My daughter keep asking me about what will I be when I grow up. She believes that just like her I will also keep growing. And isn't that true! I understand that designations change from one year to another and from one company to another but I have no answer to my daughter's query. In 5 years I might have more dots in my career chart and I hope to connect them together in a solid line.

Three years theory- This year I proved again my theory of childhood that it takes 3 years or less for a us to accept a new city or a place. This is my third year in this city and now I have started feeling comfortable about it, I have learned to understand its strengths and weaknesses.  I have started debating with new comers in the city, who don't find any reason to like this city. I was in the same page last year, today I feel home here. Having lived and left many places, I have found that only after travelling the path of newness, irritations, loneliness, reaching out, making friends, and then my brain accepts a place.

Let it go- Most of our problems arise because we are unable to let the moment go. We sometimes become so attached and grow comfort with a thing of life that we try not to change that like Not, let the child grow, let the career flow, let the relationship mature or let the life pass by.

Change is the only constant and we need to learn to let life go slowly but surely...

Tantrum busters for toddlers

Rena had a long and tiring day at office, traffic was horrible on her way back to home and then at last when she reached home she found that her two year old little son is in his worst mood and the baby sitter is completely bewildered about what to do.

Sweta is a homemaker; she gets completely frustrated sometimes to control all the tantrums of her one and half year old daughter.

Toddlers, they are like sunshine in the family with their innocent smiles, small walking steps and broken sentences but these tiny tots can also sometimes behave like thunder storm crying, yelling and shouting at everyone around.

In the children of age between twelve months and three years almost can feel just like us but the only difference is that they does not know how to control those feeling. Instead of shouting or giving punishment or getting depressed on a yelling child just take completely opposite approach to cool them down and see how you are also feeling much better. Here are some tips to calm down your angry little one.

Hide and seek

When your child is demanding for a third chocolate bar and you cannot divert his mind then just be quiet for few seconds and hide yourself behind the curtains/ doors and ask him to search you and you will see how he will wipe his eyes and will start searching you.

Pillow war

You had a very bad day at office, you left office quite frustrated. You came home and you found that your tiny one is really tired after whole day of separation and is shouting out of frustration. This is the best moment to play pillow war. Before starting the war be sure that both of you eat something together and then go to the bed and start! Throw pillows at each other, roll on the bed, laugh loudly, cuddle your child tightly and soon you will see the vapors of both of your frustrations near the ceiling.

Comedy of errors

Sometimes just bend down to the level of your crying child and point at her hand and say “Oh my god what happened to your legs” and see how she gets confused and then starts laughing! Repeat this with all other body parts until all her tears dries.

Indigenous bowling

It is a Sunday morning. You have invited some guest in the evening and for this reason both of you are busy. Your child on the other hand is moving behind you demanding some attention from you. Come on take a break from the continuous house chores and have some real fun with your child. Arrange some empty plastic bottles of cold drinks/ water in a row and then bring the big ball of your child and start. Throw the ball to the arranged bottles just like in bowling places. See how your junior gets busy with this game.

Published in www.sitagita.com

The Fine Art Of Balancing Your Personal And Professional Goals

At different stages of their personal lives – seeking a life partner, marriage, having children, relocation due to partner’s transfer, divorce, providing care to the elderly/sick family members, working women in India find their personal goals in conflict with their professional goals.

Just as we feel we are ‘achievers’ on our first job and start planning for the  next role of our
 interest, we begin getting suggestions from people around us (sometimes, including our bosses!) 
to settle down in life i.e. get married or get kids.

This is the first juncture in most urban Indian working women’s lives where we need to 
simultaneously think about personal and professional goals, and it continues. It is still mostly 
women who take on the challenge of relocation, career transition, short breaks, or quitting their 
career due to changes in their personal state. This impacts our lives deeply and can result in 
depression, and the guilt of non-performance in many of us, given that we start with high 
expectations for ourselves.

Here are a few tips on how women can cope in such situations and handle them effectively.

Clarity of thought and authority

This is most difficult part of the whole balance for working women in India. Generally, men are in
a better position here, as they are mostly not given any choice but to earn for the family. 
As working women, we need to learn to do a strength, weaknesses, opportunities and
 threats (SWOT) analysis and take authority of our work choices, aspirations, and the return on 
interest (ROI) for at least 3-5 years. This will help us to make informed choices.

Parallel moves

It is not necessary to stop asking for more responsibilities at work, looking for a challenging project,
 new job or plan for higher education in anticipation of marriage or a child. As Sheryl Sandberg 
posits in Lean In, many of us stop pushing ourselves at work long before the day we really get 
married or have a child. This attitude of self doubt causes more voids in our career than there 
should be. It is viable to think about career goals and personal goals on parallel paths rather 
than in a chronological manner.

Break big tasks into chunks

For a new mother, a new project at work can be overwhelming and even unfulfilling. It can be 
managed instead by cutting the big task into smaller chunks and working on it in like 
working on a jigsaw puzzle. Think about completing the next step, not the entire project. Taking 
breaks and rewarding yourself at regular intervals are some simple steps for a motivation refill. 
The same approach of adopting short term goals as a parent will also help us not to get burnt 
out.

Lists and mind maps

We are very good at making lists, but now it is time to upgrade ourselves to mind maps, charts 
and visuals with attached timelines for required tasks. While working on the timeline of a project, 
resourcing, budgeting and future scope can be tracked simultaneously.

Express it and not just expect

As little girls, we were told to be good mannered and keep doing the good work without waiting 
for the results. In real life, everyone is busy around us and it is wrong to expect that our 
colleagues or partners will take the cues from our frowns and do what we want them to do. 
We need to express our thoughts loud and clear. We should talk more about our good 
performances, career aspirations, and future plans at work and at home as well.  
To achieve at life and work, we need a support team behind us. We cannot go far without using
 our voice.

Assessing opportunities

Dual career families, managing career after childbirth or relocations are common in most places 
across the world. Women are trying to cope with these situations using different work models.
 Understand your core skill sets and their range of applicability, if your situation doesn’t allow 
you to work in the same way you did earlier. For example, a teacher can think of online tutoring 
or creating contents for educational courses where her core competence will be utilised.

Practising mindfulness

Women are known for their multitasking skills. Planning the dinner menu while helping kids
with their homework is something we all do! But most of us become so involved with our
personal quest that it reflects in the workspace too and keeps us from the joy of fulfilment.
It is also true that work overpowers our personal space and we lose mindfulness at home.

Mindfulness and concentration on the work in hand is vital. It is difficult especially for mothers
 of newborn babies but this can be practiced through working in smaller chunks.

Reach out

In this virtual world, Google can bring answers to almost all the queries we have. As a young 
mother I was benefitted from websites like babycenter. Now, I closely follow communities like 
lean In, fleximoms and Women’s Web to gain perspectives from other women and learn about
 matters important to me. I often talk with my line manager and colleagues to learn more about a
 new component of work. We should reach out to others to share our thoughts, delegate duties,
 prioritise tasks, and for constant communication.

Take out ‘Me/Us time’

Most Indian women forget to hang out with their old friends after marriage and after having kids. 
Taking out time as couples or with friends is equally important to get a break from our rigorous 
daily routines. Use ‘me time’ to exercise, attend conferences, read, think, analyse, solve 
problems, fulfil hobbies, rejuvenate and  plan. Working mothers go through extreme guilt on 
this but taking a little ‘me time’ out can do wonders to the quality of your life.

Say no and negotiate

Indians are known for saying yes all the time. In the global environment that we live in, we 
should know our limitations and capabilities. Before saying yes to any task (whether it is analysis of a 
new data set or inviting friends home at short notice) ask yourself whether you have time and 
energy for that. Always say no to the work and not the person. Negotiate with objectivity and 
openness towards the situation.

Upgrade and update

It is essential to keep upgrading and updating ourselves on new technological and behavioural
 skills considering the fast changing landscapes both at work and home. Both 
democratic parenting and working in a global company requires lots of learning. Our laptops 
and mobile telephones are becoming smarter and so are our kitchen tops. We should not be 
afraid or closed about using new technology and their applications both at home and work. 
A person who can learn fast is respected and adored by others (even kids).

Imperfection and impromptu

Everything cannot be done perfectly or in a planned manner. Spontaneity helps us during 
emergencies and crisis. So lets keep a scope for impromptu dinners and some imperfect, 
nervous moments in our otherwise balanced life!

The art of balancing between professional and personal goals is to learn to work like an ant and 
enjoy like a grasshopper.

Published in www.womensweb.in

About not blogging and other things...

It's been a while (well many months), I have not written any blog, not that I had ample of readers, but I am sure those very few of them were sad when they visited this space in last few months.
It is not that J is not giving me enough plots to write or that I have nothing to say about my work or so many other things I observe silently, so many bubbles of thoughts form in my mind each day, but I have noticed that while living outside India I had enough time to contemplate on those thought bubbles and then blog them up. On returning to India and then after joining work, my random thought bubbles keep  forming and bursting in equal pace. Sometimes while travelling in my office bus or in the middle of teaching I feel those bubbles to form and then in a hurry to catch with days work or to prepare the dinner I loose the bubbles invariably, or perhaps they tuck themselves away in the layers of memory for I gain them back in my ride back to home or next day while preparing dinner. I go to sleep with mind full of broken or hidden bubbles of thoughts. This gives me discomfort but then life continues without blogging...

Although not blogging, there are many other pages where I am writing regularly and on diverse topics. These are but planed write-ups. My recent endeavour were about understanding oil and fats with more clarity or tips of stress busting to working women of India or about interior decoration for people on the go (like me!)

Also my present work as a medical writer and a quality co-ordinator includes a lot of writing. I found it interesting how I could use so many skills I honed during my research time in my new profession and so wrote about my experiences while transitioning from a researcher into a medical writer.

So planned writing is going on but spontaneous pieces got missed in this space of mine. Hope I will be able to mind the gaps more frequently going forward!

Of late J is very busy with her school, friends and other activities. She has started showing lots of interest towards stray animals- mostly dogs. She wants to become a "Dog Orphanage Manager". I liked this idea of hers.
We are also busy in streamlining her reading obsessiveness. She was becoming a compulsive reader-who would not do anything else but read. She was loosing interest in travelling, doing art and craft or even in shopping. We were getting exasperated. So both J's papa and I have put our foot down, started working closely with each other to help her control her book reading time and take up other things in life. So we are also growing up as a parent and  turning BRAVE enough to discipline the CHILD! (She is reading the last paragraph of the blog with intense eyes, suggesting changes and asking me questions, so I guess the time has come when I would have to run each blog with her before publishing!)

Photo Courtesy- Merida from the movie BRAVE, Watercolour by J

Monday blues and some interesting websites

Monday morning is on its way. This is the toughest morning many of our lives unless your Monday morning takes you to something special. For most of us Monday morning brings us to the same old routine we left happily on last Friday. After two whole days of wrapping several activities and running errands and having done so many other things you want little more break before starting to slog.

After so many years of getting into Monday blues, just like every I have developed few 'things to do' to combat Monday morning blues.  One of them is a few minute of web crawling in some of my favorite India based sites, before starting my Monday.


http://www.womensweb.in/

Website dedicated to thinking Indian women, doesn't talk about
lipsticks and suit lengths but about several other things a woman face
in today's world.
Extremely feminist and I like it that way. I love their book review, field
note and several other sections.

http://www.fleximoms.in/

Only community in India which is trying to bring women to the job
market after they went for a break.
I think they have high fee to begin with but then the programs seems
to be worthwhile.
Also they conduct workshops in different cities of India. They also have many sections in the website which are worth reading to gain ideas about managing work in a better way.

http://www.wowsumitra.com/
http://the-shooting-star.com/

This website talks about women on wanderlust! Traveling alone just for leisure  is almost an unknown thing in India. We rarely think of going for a trip on our own. These people are trying to make that real.
I love traveling and so I like this site too!

http://www.parentree.in/
http://www.kidandparent.in/

Being a parent it is inevitable not to see some parenting sites, these
ones are for Indian parents and by Indian mothers so I keep reading
them.

http://www.kiducere.com/
http://www.saffrontree.org/

Being a book loving person, and mother of a book loving person too,  I keep looking for new books for J. These two websites helps me lot on this agenda.

http://anindiansummer-design.blogspot.in/

Sometimes seeing some colorful posts can brighten the mood on Monday morning and can bring cheer in the regular work we do. Interior design sites are worth watching for few minutes break. They bring new ideas for your own place and also reading and visualizing creative ideas gives your brain the happy hormone boost to go back into normal work.

So web crawling is one of the few things I do to bust the stress of a Monday morning or even to relax on some other time.


So here you go! Have a happy week ahead!

De-stressed

Had a long day in office, days at work are not smooth sailing anymore, honeymoon period is over and I am getting exposed to several unexpected an unplanned events. A working day is also not only work any more, it is more and more of meetings, planning objectives, tracking time and communicating with clients.  The process of coming back home is also a big thing, trailing through the big serpents of traffic, aggressive driving and half dug roads. Badly wanted a warm tea and some warmth on returning back home. It was quarter to eight already. As the home door opened, I saw J watching TV in a defensive pose, meaning I must not touch the TV remote. Dear Husband left hurriedly to his office, he has yet to chase some more targets. This is a plan, we follow many days to balance time at home and work.

"'J', have you finished your homework"? I asked her. "Yes, there were 10 problems in Mathematics and needed to anwer a question in English. I have done half in the day care and half now," was the prompt reply. "Okay, good"! said I. The back of my mind murmured, "New term has began, it will be helpful for J if she does little bit of extra work every day." Those basic things you know; dictations, handwritings, multiplication tables and so on. "Yes, I know". I replied to my conscience. With the excessive heat, I first went for a shower, and on the way I noticed, washing machine  is full with washed clothes and needs to be put on the wire to dry. In the kitchen, fish was waiting to get defrosted and to be cooked.
I was feeling so drained, and tired.

"Can I get a cup of ice tea, mamma?" J asked with her eyes  glued to the TV screen. "Yes, you can but switch of the TV in few minutes." I said. "Yes, Mama", again a prompt reply.
Then made 2 cups of ice tea, defrosted the fish in between and took the cup of tea.
Office, cooking and J were creating lots of clouds in mind, all at a time. Why living is so much work? Arghh...

Upon getting a sip or 2 of the tea, I recommended myself a lie down and at least 15 minutes to get de-stressed. Simply went and hit the bed.

While on the bed, thoughts kept rushing one by one, but after few minutes their speed reduced, I started feeling calm, I kept the work in the back drawer of my mind to be dealt with tomorrow, I gave myself and J a free evening thinking of 10 maths problems and 1 english question has been already done after all!

Finally, I started thinking of a nice soupy Macher Jhol (Bengali- Fish dish), and how I will make it differently today...

ps. As I went to kitchen and started cleaning up the fish, dear husband returned, and asked "What are you doing"? "Talking care of the fish, for the dinner", I said. "Hey, leave it, I have plans to make Doi Maach (a very special Bengali fish dish), but if you have already cleaned it, then please put some marinade on it." I smiled, tossed my plan of doing any cooking,  happily poured the marinade on the fish and left the kitchen light hearted.

Life is not that much work after all...

Return to India - Its been a year

Diwali celebrations are in full swing all around. This reminds me that its been one year that I have returned to India for good.

Today when I look back to this year it has been, I can clearly visualise my journey back home and my takes on different phases of it. 

I was never in two minds for returning back to India after seeing and living in other countries while getting education and going through first phases of work life. When the opportunity to return actually arrived, it did put me in several minds. While living in Europe I have seen life of total independence, complete organisation, extremely selected social life and material high. Also that life was devoid of family members, festivals or just an overall feeling of living in my own country. After returning back I immediately realised that from now on life will be more threaded with relationships, less independent (social, economic and physical), less in comfort in terms of organisation or material but at the end of the day, with a cup of tea in my hand I found telling myself, yes this is India - this is the country which has given me a nationality and this is the country where we will not need any visa to live. This is the country where my family is rooted and this is the country where my daughter is trying to find a root. It was not an easy situation for me, and I guess for anyone who goes through similar changes in life.

Reflections

Weekends are busier than weekdays:

This is a typical problem I face whenever I opt for full time work. Weekdays get very organised, predictable and sometimes boring. If I feel like watching movie, I don't watch as next day I need to get up early, 'J' gets exactly half an hour of pampering and 3 and 1/2 hours of instructions, orders or scoldings. Yes I have counted it, that a full time working mother (9 hours + 1 hour commute) gets 6 hours of parenting plus housekeeping time and that is if her sleeping time is 7 hours. So that boils down to 2-3 hour of parenting and 2-3 hour of housekeeping plus entertainment (entertainment for me means; one cooking/travel show on TV, two cups of relaxed tea drinking in morning and evening and little chit chat with neighbours/phone or husband).
So all my quality parenting desires (baking, art and craft, playing cards, cosy afternoon nap or story telling) needs to wait for the weekend. I am a lazy woman and so all my not to be disturbed laziness also needs to wait till weekends. Grocery and other shopping and socialising also get cramped in the weekend. We need to do our weekly cleaning up  of the place we live in and then we crave for small outings which again needs to be done in weekend. I yearn to do some freelance writing and that too get snuggled in the weekends.

So although friday evening I feel very elevated about the weekend but by end of Saturday I start looking for calm, quiet and boring weekdays!

Falling into new routine- the ripples

It is one and a half months now. My job life has started, for the first time in India. This is after 5 and half years when I and J's papa are working together again. In last 5 and half years we were either not in one place when we both were working or I was not working when we were living together. It therefore needed some recap of those days when both of us used to get up, get our tea, get ready and go to our respective offices.
The job has created some new ripples in our little world of three and we all got little off the stage to adjust with the new routine.

This time unlike the last ones, I have a 9-6 job, 9 hours fixed, cards get swiped, time gets noted, work gets done.

Time keeping is very important in my recent work. I, in contrast dwell in the layers of time. My new job demands lots of time calculation. Hope I will learn the skill now.  I am trying to use up the nine hours in office to its fullest and then shut the computer and my mind from work.

Back into 9 to 6 time table

Yes, after few months of hiatus and afternoon naps, I am back in the work life. For this moment this job is providing me the specifics of living in same place as my husband's, allowing me family time and a decent packet. Although this is not first job for me but there are many things I am doing in this job for  the first time.

• This is the first time I am working outside of an university.
• This is the first time I will not be handling any chemical.
• This is the first time I will not be collecting data sitting in front of a big machine.
• This is the first time my supervisor's designation is a manager and not a professor.
• This is the first workplace for me where I see lots of women from lower level to the highest level of the career ladder.

My inspiration: My women

My inspiration-My women are like a flow, continuous, gentle, patient, adjusting yet strong, free, imaginative, idealistic and eternal. They are unbelievable! 

She is extremely superstitious, upfront and dangerously direct. She was married when she was 16 and had six children till she got 30. She is a vivid reader, although her brothers were doctor, engineer or lawyer, but she can read only Bengali. Never mind, she has read Ashapurna Devi to Ravindranath Tagore to Bani Basu. She took care that her daughters could do graduation and she pursued her daughter-in-laws for the same. She wants her daughters/DIL to be the best and shining and never shy to criticize them in their face. She never hides her pride about her grand daughters for their post graduations, acquiring jobs and for their love marriages. She keep doing fasting, keep bothering others with her superstitions and hard remarks and keep praying for all her family confined in her small Puja (prayer) room, but she also keep telling the girls of today, who might be her grand child or niece, "Go out, reach out find out a new niche, bigger and brighter than my Puja room."

She was raised to be a home maker. And that she became, uprooted umpteenth time from the homes she made as she was married to an army man. Home was her office and children were her projects. Unaware of whatever happening in the whole wide world she kept packing lunch boxes for 30 years of her life. Although never into any profession but the passion one can see in her eyes while she busily toils soil in her garden, any passionate career woman of today can get ashamed. Along with her homes she also had to leave her gardens every three years; never mind, in the next home, just after entering she always sowed few seeds of spinach, two of tomato and chillies each and some seasonal flowers using her spatula, sprayed some water from the water bottle and this became a gesture of entering in a new home for the family in the coming years.

She keeps telling her girls, "Be patient and firm and things will fall into places." 

Dichotomy that continues

One morning in the news paper on the same page;

the dichotomy came alive;

And there you go - Here came the reverse cultural shock

First time, around ten years ago, when I went to a Durga Puja Festival organized by Bengali Associations in Frankfurt (Germany), I saw that the organizers; who were invariably 50-70 year old Indian expats were living in a euphoria. They were living in India which they left minimum 30 years ago. Unable to attain Durga Puja at home every year they decided to organize their own kind of Ghoroa (homely) festivity, where every one can participate in the preparation of the festival and all the professionalism can be kept little low. I was a student then, left India just one year ago, I found those people very unrealistic, I thought  of my parents as much liberal in thoughts than them, in spite that they spent their whole life in mofussul (small towns) of India and have not travelled outside India. I thought the senior Indian expats should understand that every country, culture and language should undergo changes to keep it going. Each generation should get a chance to dwell and put mark in their own cultures. I thought if Rabindragangeet and Najrulgeeti (two main streams of Bengali songs) are good then so are Jibonmukhi and Bangla bands (modern forms of Bengali songs), even my father would sometime humm the famous tunes of songs from Bengali bands,  but that group of expats did not accept that. For them, whatever was in India in their childhood were the best and all other things which happened to India after they left are bad, period. 

That day, I might have for the first time, subconsciously decided that I will go back, to my country, after some years. So then while living in Europe, in the following years when we went to the Durga Puja festival, we accepted and understood the emotional turmoils of the elderly expats. We talked with them a little and thanked them a lot for organizing such occasions were we could feel our roots, at least for a small while. After that we would search some people of our age and stage in expat life and would spend the day chatting with them, talking about Bollywood's latest release, Rituporno Ghosh's cinema, Sachin's batting, designer outfits and little bit about Germany's foreign policies and so on. And we always thought that actually we are keeping tap of what exactly is happening in India, in spite of living far away from it.

After ten years then, so when I decided to come back, I said to myself, that no I will not face any reverse cultural shock. I still can catch the beat of my India. I came back, dreaming of wearing those hand printed silk saris, gurjari salwar kameezes, accompanied with red/black/colorful bindis (that dot on the forehead of Indian women which makes her different from whole world) which I used to wear before leaving India, and which I could not wear in Europe most of the time because of cold weather and also to mingle with others in a foreign land. I knew exactly how I am going to fuse these traditional Indian styles with my new earned comfort feeling with jeans/westerns. During my short visits to India I knew that the dress sense of common Indian women are changing more towards western wears too, at least in urban India. So I would be able to blend myself perfectly both with east and west!

And there you go; how dare I to think that I still know the country which I left ten years before?

Of course it has changed, it has changed in ways that are not depicted in magazines or Bollywood movies, which we kept watching for last ten years. It has changed in those gullies where we did not sneak peaked when we came here for short visits. 

One change for good I am observing is that parents of today have (trying to) mostly come out of the rat race to make their children a doctors or an engineer, now there or many more options, so parents are little more relaxed, but another change is the brand consciousness developed along with increase in consumerism. It is new statement of India for me.

The concept of status, depends on the number of house maids you have, the school where you child is going and the brand and number of the car/s you possess was absolutely not there in the middle class society of India I used to live. Money was a necessity but it was a taboo to be discussed openly then, for sure among  the working middle class people of India, now the pay packages of kids and their spouses are a favorite topic of discussion in a group of people in their fifties or sixties. So in fact just like in Germany I was shocked to see how people of that age were still living in their old ideas, here seeing the same generations discussing so openly about money and materials is stunning me equally.

The idea of designing my outfits myself by going to a tailor who work at the corner of our street in a small shop is not their anymore, mostly everything is ready made, and branded garments have ranges for people who are  born or made  of certain sizes, and if you belong to the wrong side of those sizes, then it is a tough call . May be all Indian women are not going for  ready made attire but of course this is the growing trend, they are getting accustomed to it.

For first few days, most of the changes I was noticing was centered to women, first I being one and second women have attained a lot of space for them in India in last ten years. They are the buzz word for new India. They are the targets for shopping malls, movies, schools, day care centers, cosmetic and technology industries, hospitals. But then slowly on turning my focus to the Indian men I found them changing too, and that too for a good, you can see them smilingly taking the back seat in the two wheelers, you can see them pushing the perambulators in the parks, you can see them putting the washings on the wash lines, you can see them regularly going to drop and pick their kids. You can see them standing in front of the fitting rooms in the shopping mall waiting with extra dresses for their partners to try on. You can see them not trying to ask their female colleagues about their partners on first meeting. But please don't think all men have become so sober in India, but of course they are changing subtly, slowly, steadily. And again this is about men belonging to a very narrow range called middle class India.

So I am trying to surf through the waves of reverse cultural shocks, I am trying to tap my shocks away standing in a corner with the beats of recent Bollywood releases, while watching my Indian contemporaries doing rain dance under man made sprinklers, a fun theme grew here while I was away.

Learning to drive on the roads, finally

Finally, I have started taking car driving lessons! Yes, it is little late I know, but then isn't it better late than never. 

It is  a contrast that after spending many years in Europe; Mecca for driving on roads;  I found the necessity to learn driving a car after returning back to India, where roads are well not at least bed of roses. I agree with you,  it is not that I did not want to, but somehow it never happened. Money might be one major factor and then procrastination will be the other. No more explanations for that. Life is not to explain but to do and share those deeds with others right!

Here I share the fun and the fear I am experiencing while taming those four wheels for the first time in my life. I must say it is a life time experience to sit behind the steering wheels and all those girls out there who are in your early twenties and busy buying tunikas/kurties, typing codes on your computer screens and searching boy friends when time permits, go and get this license of four wheels in your pocket. If you don't do it now, I am telling you, you will regret it.

First little bit about the car. The car is a Maruti 800 (Symbol of uplift of Indian middle class in nineties although now Nano from Tata is squeezing fast into the picture) with lots of L written all around it using red tapes (another use of red tapes in India!). Fortunately for me the trainer is a very experienced, calm and jolly person, knows about all kinds of phobia a middle aged woman can have while starting to learn driving on Indian roads.

First few days went for warming me up with the technical terms, parts of the car and letting me drive in the comparatively empty roads before taking me to the high and mixed traffic roads. I spent some time fumbling between clutch, break and accelerator, after all, my feet are used to be rested on the top of the CPU or stand and walk, they are quite surprised to do this continuous action of pressing and releasing the "three musketeers" to keep the car moving. Another act I was doing while changing the gears as the trainer said that it is like I am knocking at several doors but I  should actually open the right door. Well then in few days we both felt that I was doing fine on empty roads, although I have no idea how much control he was having on my driving with trainers side of the clutch and break. Anyway I was happy thinking that I am driving fine at least when the road is empty! 

Now considering me as a newbie behind the steering wheel, don't think I don't have any culture of road driving or road rules. Actually my brain is jammed with too many of them. Also I have a dream of becoming those politely smiling drivers in Europe who always allowed me to walk cross the road and waved me with a smile after that. 

So my foot automatically pressed the breaks before a zebra crossing (where normally many pedestrians were waiting to cross) but I got honked by others behind me. Seeing my road manners for few times, my trainer said, here it is not possible to stop in front of all the zebra crossing and allowing tens of people to cross, also the other cars will not stop so there will be a confusion, so I need to make eye contact with the pedestrians and if they are fast then allow them to cross just the periphery of my car and then I need to keep moving. So there is no chance of stopping, smiling and then waving to the passer by as I had always intended. 

I went little pale I think on listening to this, the trainer noticed that immediately, and he consoled me, "I hope Indian road will be a place to follow all the rules in near or far future, but for now we have to go as safely and gently as possible but with the crowd." "Humm", I said and did not stop in front of the other zebra crossing. I am tuning fine, I guess.

Next, I absolutely don't have any idea of looking at my back without turning my head. I have never used so many views in my life, rear, front, side. My eye balls are used to focus on a 13-15 inch area of a computer and here I have to deal with several meters in all directions and that too in near and far. Frankly speaking, till now I am concentrating at the front, occasionally looking at the left and right when some motorcycle or car is trying to enter from side lanes but still not getting any feeling about the  traffic behind me. My over conscious reflexes pulls me immediately away from the lane when I listen a honk from my back at right. Yes, I might hit another one on left like that. Not good at all. I lack the motivation to stay upright no matter what happens like the soldiers on Indian borders. Also very generously I provide lots of space to the traffic coming from opposite direction, who in spite of seeing the double solid lines on the road try to overtake their predecessors. The trainer is trying his best to reduce my anxiety and generosity. After all I need to take care of my preference on the road and in life otherwise others will capture any space left.

These are first few points I thought I must share with you about my experiences of learning to drive in India. There will be lots more. Keep reading.

I don't know if there will be any day I will be able to go out alone in a car, drive half of the city and come back home safely. But for now those one hour of learning to drive in the morning for me is like a meta state, where I feel like playing a simulation game only that this game is  three dimensional and real with no repeat buttons at all.

Extensions: A sister and a daughter

I was in class six when my sister was born, though both exited and relieved from the strict life of a single child, I was little doubtful whether the little sister will  ever be a friend to me. I seriously showed my doubts in front of my mother, and I can still remember my mother's face who although might have been amused in her heart, explained me very honestly that, one day, eleven years between us will be parted and we will be very good friends, who will share  secrets, dresses, junk jeweleries, watch movies together and talk about recipes to cook.  While growing together, I figured out that my little sister was more like a living doll for me than a sister. I enjoyed caring her, making new styles to her hairs, teaching her how to write alphabets, telling her stories. Of course, I will be lying if I say there were absolutely no bouts of jealousy, when sometimes I saw my parents were doting on her only and not on me. But those moments were rare and  not that intense. 

An usual scene was, she sitting on my lap and I holding the science reference book of class X written by Lakhmir Singh, she asking me questions seeing the figures in the book and I telling her fun stories about them. Another scene very deep in my heart is my mum telling me to take my sister with me while going for an evening stroll with my friends. I hated to do that, as my sister a three year old baby could not walk that fast, but I remember I took her along most of the days, she was a darling amongst my friends. After three years, we got a brother, and I a teenager with a baby sister and a brother had a different time than most of my friends. Those were most funny days of my life where the tensions of school exams used to get evaporated by the giggles and tickles of my sister and brother.  Also I was not that interfered by my parents for studies as lots of their attention was also channelized  in caring two toddlers. That helped me a lot to find my own ways in terms of education, career and life. Then I had to leave them, when they were around seven and three, as I had to go to another city to pursue my education in different universities, of my country, of another countries, one by one. 

On flash back I can still  see the time when I got married and my sister a class six student holding me tightly and wanting me to promise that I will always love her the most.  After that our meetings were discrete, some times once in a year, some times after many many years. We were though very well connected in minds, they shared most of their secrets, worries, dreams and jokes with me and I did the same, told in details the life I was having in different places, about my work,  my life as a new mother. I  tried to help them out with their studies and other worries, all by telephonic conversations. Although years were passing by but they remained kids for me in my eyes. 

Along the line I always had great confidence  mothering 'J' using all the experiences I had while handling my much younger siblings. In 'J' I could sometime see glimpses of my sister, or sometimes the attitude of my brother. 'J' 's favorite bedtime stories still are the childhood incidents of my sister and brother. 'J' unknowingly started sharing a great companionship with them. On our short visits to home I could get only glimpses of my sister and brother, and each time I could feel that those small kids I left years ago are growing up. Specially my sister was becoming my extension, a stronger one. I myself was becoming a bridge between them and my parents, I tried to explain my parents the logic of my siblings and I tried my siblings to understand why parents keep worrying about their children, more so because  I after being a new parent was understanding these feelings first hand for the first time.

Recently after coming back home, my sister came to visit us. We had great fun shopping on the footpaths, bargaining, eating street food and discussing fashion. She is now a working woman, living in another city away from my parent's. She is walking on a tighter rope than I walked in her age. She  has cultivated strong opinion about life,  seeing her this time  instantly I can feel the prediction my mother had made long time ago has come true. I was always an adviser to her but this time I wanted a role reversal, I asked her suggestions on several points which I have been facing while working. I never told her, but she is the symbol of today's Indian women for me, those who are trying to extend their paridhi (limits), little by little in every way. I love the sense of confidence and carelessness they possess. I look towards them with great expectations as they are laying the path for generation of 'J'.

This time, I also saw repeat of history where 'J' was sitting on her lap and she was reading a magazine, I saw that my sister was doing the hairs of my daughter with great care. I saw how 'J' was telling her small secrets to her Masi (Aunty). I saw how my sister was seeing 'J' as her extension.

And I smilingly with a cup of tea in my hand was doting on two of my extensions.

On blogging, blogosphere and other bloggers

I started Blog-e-zine as is already mentioned in "blogeria" more like a diary, to put down my thoughts, concerns, experiences and leanings. The idea was fueled me being adjusting in a new kind of life, living alone just for work with 'J'. Yes  although already in my thirties, this was still my first attempt to stay absolutely alone (well with 'J' though) very far away from my family and trying to do something of my own along with taking the full responsibility of 'J'. Although I always thought I am the primary caregiver for 'J' but after starting to live alone with her I realized how much involvement her dad had in her life. The attempt was a very  temporary one and with a proper arrangement from my husband to visit us whenever he can. But still it was an unusual set up for me. So while settling into this  temporary feeling of living for myself I wanted to talk, yes, you guessed it right,  I love talking. Sadly, I was not allowed to do that as single living also brought lots of responsibilities waiting to be finished in time. No extra hand was there to finish up the undone stuff from mine as I was used to before. But my bubbly mind will not understand that, and it would like to bubble out, hence I started pouring all the blobs of my random thoughts in this e-zine, I named it e-zine of blogs - 'Blog-e-zine'.

I started with baby steps and along with writing my stories I also got started to know about others out there  in the blogosphere who are also writing down their thoughts. On the way I got hooked by several of them, you can see them in the "blog crawling" section. I started visiting their blogs regularly. Some blogs were from known faces and most were unknowns. A new kind of acquaintance was growing, where I started understanding/liking another bloggers just from the thoughts s/he is pouring in his/her virtual space. I started admiring them, learning from them silently. And unknowingly I started longing for the stories they were going to tell next. And you know what, the stories started affecting me in their own way.

IHM is one such marvelous blogger, I became her fan the first time I read her. She is a proud feminist and that touched my chord too. She is a strong woman and you understand it reading just few posts from her blog. But recently I was stunned by a great loss she had to go through and how strongly she faced it.  She lost her 19 year old daughter due to dengue fever. IHM, however has accepted life very boldly. I bow to her strengths. I pray for her and her little princess.

Being  an Indian and mother myself, after reading her last post I kept asking myself; how long we will keep loosing lives because of very curable diseases like Dengue and Malaria even in a country who is among the fastest developing ones, who is the biggest producer of generic  drugs, who is a popular destination for medical tourism? Yes, population we have a lot, but cannot we do little more on the topics of hygiene, safety and awareness?

Achieved everything and still frustrated?

Now in my early thirties, it is time to accept (very hard though) that I am no longer them who define the word 'youth' for a society, and so is true for my contemporaries and here I am talking specially about my Indian friends (My European friends are unbelievably young even in their fifties). We have passed the days of teenage turmoils and quarter life crisis quite some time ago. 

We are leading to the more well known middle age. Late nights are now causing acidity and we (well most of us) no longer can or want to live the life of a backpacker. We have almost achieved or received many things, which were dreams ten years ago. Some of us like me might be lingering a bit but we are on the process, we have got an idea about the journey that is going to be, if there are no surprising unexpected turns on the way. A career/education, husband, a child or two, temporary and for many a permanent space for living are on our palms, and are we happy?

When I look back and search my parent's life at this stage I see them quite satisfied and relaxed as if they are in the middle of a long train journey, where they have no hurry to look for the next station, so they can take out their playing cards and play a bit, munch some home made snacks brought in steel tiffin boxes or can buy a cup of tea from the station vendors. I don't know it was the truth or it is my memory which has only kept the golden sketches. Talking with my parents revealed me that they were also stressed out in their thirties mainly economically. They therefore always searched little windows of fun, picnics, going to relatives in vacations, matinee shows, weekend tours to name a few. But they also said that emotionally they were fulfilled, they of course desired to become the topmost in the office  and go for a world tour or at least all India tour but it was fine if they could not. At least for my mother, home was her job. She sometimes felt empty in a undefinable way but most of the times she enjoyed  doing her job and gave all her intellect, energy and creativity to it. There were only occasionally some grudges on the topic of division of work between the spouses.

On returning back to my present, why do I feel that we are not that relaxed anymore. We are economically quite well off in comparison to our parents (we have credit cards!) but we don't feel true emotional satisfaction. One main reason, we don't have 9-5 jobs any more and working odd hours or all the hours is the norm, if you don't do that you  are stamped as being not serious enough, all work and no play does not bring happiness at the end. Our careers/Jobs are mostly contract/performance based and so we cannot breathe that lightly, we can go global any time which were dream for our parent's generation, but the more we see, we yearn more, either we or our partners or we both are very restless or orientation less to be more specific. 

Unlike our parents time now most of us are family of two workers and one/two kids, but our society still don't have enough consideration or infrastructure for raising the kids while both parents are working (not always just for money but for their desire). 'We don't have time' is the buzz word of today. We feel tired but we cannot relax. We cannot let go. We need everything perfect and quickly. We take holidays and then fill it up by hectic world tour or other schedules. We cannot spend time doing nothing. And for women it is even worse, our mothers told us to study hard, they told us a life outside home will give us an identity, which they thought they were lacking. We listened to them religiously, we studied hard and got a life outside home, but at one point of time we found that in the quest for an identity we are stuck in between dual identities, one who wants to stay at home and other who wants to climb the ladders.

Depression, frustration, high blood pressure, chronic pains, hormonal imbalance, obesity are some of the symptoms almost all of us are confronting already, just in the beginning of our thirties. 

And the worst of all is that we ignore them with full power as it is so unknown of, we haven't seen our parents having these in their thirties so how can we? We don't think that the job style has changed from moving to sedentary, we don't count the alarming increase of eating outs and late nights, we overlook that our social structures have changed from being a family to being an individual. Two working partners after having long day at work rarely take time to sit together and unwind.

Is their any way out? As a parent I don't want to pass this kind of life to my child. I know I cannot switch off the computer or T.V they are growing with and I cannot stop them taking challenging jobs which demands odd or all hours of life. I cannot ban all the junk food around her. I cannot ask my daughter to get only education and no career.  But I want to see her healthy through out her life. To gain that I do want to provide her a speed/quality control mechanism.

I don't know what exactly that would be, I am still working on that, but may be I will try on the lines of learning to wait, expecting little less, if possible ignoring little bit of peer pressure, cultivating a strong hobby to create a distance from work if and when needed, also to use it as a cushion if and when work gets sour.

I am on a trial, but the choice is clear;  a life which has health and smiles in it, little less of achievements and success will do for me.

When the summer meets the winter

While coming home from work on Friday evening, the evening which is my favourite of all others, as it is a bridge between work full weekdays and the household work full weekends (for any Indian living outside India will know). Therefore friday evening is the only time when I feel happy, free and workless.

This evening though I was wanting to work or more precisely to cook  and that was to mix summer with the winter. 

Yes, in India the summer and winter vegetables are very different and as a child when cold storages and imports from all over the world where not norms our vegetable dishes as well as staple and non vegetarian dishes were distinctly different in summer and winter. 

Hot summer was time for cold watery produces like different kinds of guards (bottle, bitter), okra, pumpkin, drumsticks, aubergine, plantain, squash, raw papaya, Saag (Hindi/bengali for several leafy vegetables other than spinach) and so on. Non vegetarian dishes were mostly fishes. Chicken and goat meat came on the table mostly once a week. Fruits where mainly mangoes (of different colour, creeds and tastes), melons (again different colour and types), banana, papaya. 

Winter was time of all the bileti (Bengali for foreign) vegetables introduced to India by Portuguese or British during long colonial exposure of India. They where cauliflower, cabbages, radish, carrots, french beans, capsicum, spinach, tomatoes, potatoes, chillies (can you imagine chilli is not our own!) and many others. Indian population who were vegetarian by vast majority immediately accepted these new vegetables, started growing them in Indian soil,  deep stirred, deep fried and curried them in several combinations, these treatment made them distinct from their boiled and poached forms like the Portuguese or British people were used to eat. Fruits in winter where mainly oranges (they were though brought by Persians perhaps or may be the originals from India), pomegranate and grapefruits. It was a fun sitting under the sun in winter holiday afternoons reading a magazine or a story book and eating oranges neatly the segments separated in a plate, with little salt and pepper sprinkled over it.  Chicken, goat, lamb and wild, hunted meats (games) were common in these months for non vegetarians. Fishes used to take a back seat in this season.

In between two separate seasons of vegetables, two times a year there used to be a medley of produces.  In the spring, when winter was going and summer was coming, so the winter vegetables would say good bye shortly after they meet with their summer cousins. The reverse would happen in the autumn.   Spring and autumn also coincided with many festive occasions of the year. In these two times generations of our grand mother and their mothers took the golden opportunity of mixing the summer and winter together and carved out several dishes consisting of mixed vegetables, the choice of vegetables depending on the family preferences and availability. There were a genre of mixed vegetables created, some times along with Paneer/chana  (Hindi/Bengali for home made fresh cheese) or Bada (Bengali for fried balls made from soaked lentils). Later when Soybean was introduced in Indian diets, chunks of Soybean fibres also got entry in mixed vegetable team.

Now it is difficult to see these pattern, almost every fruit and vegetables (cold storage or imported) are available all the time so we are free to mix summer with winter through out the year. 

I took the chance this friday and took out the vegetables available in the freeze or freezer, added potato and onion. Cut them in squares and stripes. 

Then I went to check which spices I will be using, and combined them together. Panch phoron a Bengali 5 spices (whole ones) and bay leaves were inviting me, along with normal cumin powder, ginger powder, coriander powder I add in almost whatever I cook. Then I had to use few slitted green chilli peppers.

In the freezer a packet of tiger prawns was waiting to be used. So I thought why not? Bengalis are master in mixing fish with vegetables, mainly prawns or some parts of big fishes. These dishes are very popular local cuisines and has been taken by the diaspora to far away lands like Europe and USA! Some examples are lau chingri  (prawns wit bottle guard) or kumro chingri (prawns with yellow pumpkin or butternut squash) or even more exotic is enchor -chingri (prawns with green jack fruit). There are several other such dishes with leafy vegetables, potato and other vegetables.  One friend of ours has gone further and patented on a nice combination of cauliflower and prawns. Which I also cook a lot specially while friends are invited. So I decided to use the prawns in my mixed vegetable medley. Deveined and cleaned they already were. I readied them by sprinkling some salt and turmeric powder on.

So after all the arrangements, I heated a wok, added oil, added the panch phoron (five spices), bay leaves and slitted green chilli peppers. Sauteed a little and then added the vegetables along with the chopped onions, only the tomatoes were kept aside. Let them time to be soft, take colour and mingle with each other. On the way as my hands were still itching so I added some pav-bhaji masala powder (just like famous garam masala, it is yet another blend of Indian grounded spices in particular proportion, but are also available readymade in Indian/Asian stores or even from Amazon from companies like Badshah, Shan, MDH etc). Kept stirring till oil starts coming off, added the prawns and finally I added the chopped tomatoes.

After little more stirring, added some ( half a cup or so) water, covered the wok while turning the heat to low.
In between I saw outside was still bright and my "Friday-free" mind cajoled me to take some shots of uncontrollable wild growing in my backyard.

After 10-15 minutes, opening the cover filled the kitchen with soft aroma of all vegetables along with the salty smell of prawn. Boiled plain rice was ready in the microwave. 

So I and 'J' had a delicious dinner of mixed vegetable-prawn medley, rice, and some masoor Dal , sizzled with fresh coriander leaves (Hindi for red lentil soup). My picky eater 'J' liked the medley for the prawns and not so strong flavour left of any greens used here. She when licked her finger saying yum, I added "Absolutely perfect for a Friday evening"!

If you are longing for more, here are some links for other mixed vegetable recipes for your hungry mind which are cooked in different parts of India:

Labra: A festive combination of vegetables and spices  (from Bengal or eastern India)

Navratan korma (Kashmir and other northern part of India)

Avial (from southern India)

Pav-bhaji (Mainly from Bombay or western India)

Vegetable Jhalfrezi (Anglo-Indian dish)

Vegetable Korma (Indo-Persian and now a british favourite)

Enjoy your meal! Bon appetite