The Sad State of Indian Married Men!

Disclaimer: I am not trying to prove any point here for Indian Married Men (IMM), only that we the Indian married women (IMW) may need to be little less judgmental towards IMM and more compassionate. IMMs are after all another species biologically and have different ways of doing things. Most of all they are pretty lonely and confused in Indian territory. 

No status development in last 100 years:  Compared to Indian married women (IMW),  Indian married men (IMM)  have achieved nothing in last 100 years, IMW were burned as a sati, married off as a child, burdened with birth of children every alternate years, stopped from getting educated, and go out of their home premises. In contrast to that today IMW are going strong in every aspect of their lives, they have entered the sacrosanct 'men only' areas of profession (Read-offices, laboratories, factories, police stations, court rooms, pilots cabin) with full thrust. They are entering within the bars and disco's even more to enjoy the hard work they are putting in.  IMM on the other hand are still going to work like their grandfathers with a lunchbox in their hands and working hard to remain just a bread winner. They are still struggling to enter into 2 domains which is IMW specialty for generations - that is the Indian home kitchens and raising kids! They cannot get leave from work even when they get their precious babies!

No supporting team:  IMW have worked as a team for 3 generations, grand mothers and mothers have given all their wisdom to their daughters regarding "man kinds" and made them fit to fight for a living. Fathers try to support their daughters in education and make them financially independent.  IMW have understood that it is not necessary to work tirelessly with 10 invisible hands like their mothers generations. They now invest in getting help from other women instead as maids, nanny, cooks or men as a drivers, gardeners, grocers etc. In contrast IMM don't have any support team at all.They are supposed to know the finances even if they are bad in counting. Father-son relationship in India is very skewed, fathers never reveal any of their wisdom regarding women to their sons. They actually stop talking with each other from pretty early state and boys are left to their moms to be raised.  IMM are thrown into life without any wisdom from previous generations of men. So they need to invent the wheel all over again.

Raised by older versions: IMM raised by previous generations of women are fed with all the emotional quotient of mother - son equation. Each extra egg that they got to eat than their sister has big return costs. They come to know about this much later.The mothers sacrificial love to their sons  numb the logical thinking of IMM when it comes to discuss any matter with their mothers.

Challenges with upgraded versions: Raised by god and kitchen loving mothers when Indian man sees a woman of today, they get awed. They feel the liberation of being with a not so emotional buddy. They want to marry them immediately. None of his peers or seniors tell him the hidden cost of marrying a modern ambitious woman.  She is not a goddess or a slave like before but a human who demands equality to the extent of sharing the pain of child birth too. It is only after marriage IMM experiences the conflict between old and new version of the software called Mother and wife in his life. The attractive buddy before marriage suddenly turns into a sore face if he favours his mother in any choices related to home and family. 

Shuttling between diverse expectations: Just after marriage the IMM realise that all the emotional bonding of his mother since his childhood demands a big cost of favouring the mother other than the wife. If he fails to do that he is doomed by his mother and the society, Indian television channels are showing these cases in mega serials. He has to remain a mama's boy all his life. He did not know either that the high degree, qualifications, full time high paying job and those manicured hands of the woman that allured him before marriage comes with a cost of trails of maids, cooks and others which his mother never felt the need of. He does not know how to take his wife to the disco after marriage where they used to meet before marriage under the nose of his temple going mother. IMM gets confused by the change in specifications of upgraded new woman of today. The only similarity of both is they use tears before they hang.

No dedicated webspace:  In this advanced era of internet and technology there are several communities formed by the women, for the women and from the women of India, (womensweb, sheroes, relauncher, jobs for her, India today women) there is not a single site dedicated to the IMM and their personal issues. No one speaks about them in India, they are the most ignored lot. IMM is perceived only to know about politics, sports, and gadgets and they are forced to read nothing more than that. Their fathers had similar problems when women came out with several printed magazines for each region and men had to read only India today! 

No mentor or peer to talk personal issues: Have you ever heard IMM talking with each other regarding any bed time rituals or challenges to cope with a distance  marriage? No, just like the men of previous generations, IMM of today don't speak about their emotions in public. It is a taboo, it makes them weaker than others. So issues are not raised, not discussed and not resolved in men's space. They linger. Unfortunately IMM don't have brains to open a conversation too. 

No innovation in group activities: IMW are pushing their limits when it comes to group activities, they have extended their hobbies from knitting and sewing that were their mothers hobbies to travelling in women only groups, participating in car rallies, going trekking, wine crushing, baking Italian breads. Each of them are pushing the limits of community and social living slowly but steadily. For IMMs the social activities still remains dry drinking, playing cards or golf, discussing world politics or sports, photography and video games. Boring. No Innovation at all.

Conclusive remarks: IMM haven't got any support from the society to change their social behavior and status, they are in auto pilot mode for almost a century. So IMW now you being a more understanding species give your hands to the IMM, unburden them from the status of being the only bread winner, let them take paternity leave, teach your husband and sons to cook, laugh out loud, share emotions and cry too. Take them to spas and make them feel the wonders of pedicure, create websites to discuss their emotions, write books for them and not push them to read politics and sports as men's magazines. Help them becoming a human and not only a man!!

Summer vacation in a new city

Summer vacations are in again and parents for now are as happy as their kids are. It is a time to slowdown a little, little introspection and do something else than rest of the year which is full of curriculums, tests and grades. Summer vacation brings a challenge for parents too, specially where both parents are working, we strongly realise at this time of the year how much the school does for our kids, in terms of keeping them busy, enthusiastic and some times bore them with routined home-works. Summer camps, activity classes, teaming up with other parents, taking leaves, inviting grand parents and other relatives are all important tools to sum up the summer vacation for all parents working or not.

Summer vacation is the time when we need a known community of our kid's friends and their family to fall upon and get some time to enjoy it too.
With a recent relocation to a new city, this summer J and we were little anxious on finding ways around this summer vacation.

Luckily I am working from home at present so that made J happy. Now a days she is also in a mood of 'me time' and so does not show her happiness like she used to as a 5 year old. I need to observe that solemnly when she comes and touch me while I am at work, or asks me if my work is going well.
She is now becoming active online and I find it uncanny if she is being online all the time. I had this when she was getting hooked to TV as a toddler (those were nice and easy days!) and I know both she and I will get over this internet usage also.

Otherwise she has become very sober and does not come to me with her queries at all while I am at work. We have some break times in between for lunch and a quick tea where we talk a little, and I try to propose some activities to her. It is all on mademoiselle to do them or not, or do them the next day or not do them at all. I don't rush her - after all it is vacation time.

This time, like all the sumer vacations we had before, we have decided to read books (as many possible), and not by buying them but from library-this way she is forced out of Harry Potter and Percy Jackson genre and finds other interesting books from the library. Some time she needs to write review on what she has read and what she liked or disliked in those, or write a blog if some idea strikes. Only sometimes though - the whole fun of summer vacation can derail with the steam of over ambitious mommy!

Then this summer there is a golden rule for her to watch one movie a day! sometimes what she wants to watch and sometimes what I want her to watch. She watched Monalisa Smiles one afternoon and upon finishing that she came to me and hugged me. She liked the movie very much and I instantly got more sure that I am raising a friend in her with whom I would be discussing a lot of stuff. We would also agree to disagree at times!

She is bringing a lot of new sounds at home in the form of new music bands which we might have never known if we did not have her. Thanks to you tube, we get to see the videos and music of many new and recent popular bands. She tells us about the band, the equation between the band members and about their fan following. I try to squeeze in Indian instrumental music, Bollywood songs or Bengali Rabindra sangeet in exchange. She minds a lot, who cares!

Web based software applications or our good old MS office suit exercises also comes handy when she gets bored even after all the above activities.

Today morning I realized simple crayons and a piece of paper still can occupy attention of a child at age 11 for quite some time. Only problem here is the exploring minefield of google and its friends who keep hypnotizing kids of this age or any age actually towards them.

After all this, she becomes really sad in the evenings and miss her old friends badly. She talks with them at times but she told me that it does not feel the same, she wants to sit with them and take a walk with them like before. Initially she decided not to make any new friends in this city as she did not want to loose them again. We did not force her anything, but searched for her some activity classes for her to spend some time constructively like arts and sports. Another idea was to help her find friends from these classes. She is not saying much about them and I am waiting when she will come back and say, "Oh I have made a friend today".

J is a shy kid and making friends is always a task for her. During our last move she used to stand in our balcony and see the kids playing for almost 3 weeks. Finally one day she decided to go down and play with them.

The city is new to us so we are using the weekends to discover the city just like we went for short trips during other summer vacations. For us adults also it is still a surreal state of mind where we are settling down to a new place, new work space (for J's papa) or new way of working (for me) and there are times when we sit together and talk about the other city we lived in and what our friends might be doing now.

We make plans of going back to them, to visit them and return to the certainty of a known place and its roads. Although we know that the trip would be just for a visit to the city we lived, the city we made our home in.

Relocate, Reset and Restart

 Disclaimer: A story written by J from her recent experiences in life...                  

“What?" I yelled almost dropping the plates in my hands. “Careful with the plates J.” My mother warned me.

“How can you think about plates when we are going to move to Chennai!” I asked.

“I told you she wouldn’t take it well.”  My mother sighed to my father.

Great. Now they were doing what all parents do, talk to each other about their child as if the child is a fly on the wall.

Stomping to my room, I slammed the door behind me completely forgetting about my job of unloading the dishwasher.

Switching on my music gear, I lay down on the bed and thought things through.

I suppose everyone do this at some or another point of their lives, after weeks and months of surging through life you just take a break and think.

And that’s what I was doing. I just kept thinking.

Chennai is a huge place; it’s very unlikely that we would find a small and bountiful place like our present place-NSA over there. We’ll most probably live in one of those huge societies where there are hundreds of kids with whom it’ll be very difficult to form a friendship. I mean with so many kids around, everyone must already have a best friend, right?

Why does this always happen to me? I make friends in one place and whoosh we have to relocate.

Just then my mother walked in, probably to call me for dinner, and I took the opportunity to ask, “Do we have to move?”

She sighed she had been expecting this. “Yes, Yes we do. Your father and I think the change will be good.”

Oh Whoop-di-do, let all leave our friends and go to an alien planet, the change will be good for us! Not.

My mother seemed to guess what I was thinking and said, “Look we’re moving if you like it or not. Just accept it.”

Accept it? No way was I going to accept it. In fact I’m going to keep hoping that we’re going to stay in NSA until I board the plane.

Saying bye to my friends was the worst part. I didn’t say bye to them until the very last minute I could be with them. My social life was always grouped into two halves; school friends and home friends.

I thought it’ll be worse saying bye to my home friends than my school friends but as it turned out it was just as bad saying bye to my school friends.

I was pretty close to the boys in my life; I mean our relationship (ugh, came out wrong) was normally bickering about things like which biscuit company was best.

Yes. We bickered about biscuits. Got a problem? No. Thought so.

And the girls… well we shared everything that happened in our life with each other. So they knew everything about me.

I’ll miss my home too. Over here I had a tiny and cosy apartment.

I’ll miss this place.

Well I’ll just have to Reset don’t I, and start again and make new friends. And get comfortable around my new apartment.

Lets hope there’s a good library over there. Books only can be my life-line now.

The last few days in NSA flew, literally flew by.

One day all our belongings were packed in boxes the next day they were loaded on the truck and being carried of to the new city. And all of a sudden we were boarding a plane.

I cried the whole 2 hr journey, sure I had my music gear and a few (7 actually) new books I got as parting gifts to read but they just numbed my pain, sort of like painkillers.

The pain was always the starting -people who relocated a lot knew that- it was the starting of a new chapter in my life.

A new city, new friends, new surroundings - A new Restart!

  

Zo – the shy child

It is not easy to believe now, but Zo used to be a very shy child. Her parents did not push her to talk but they used to tell her that, “It is good to wish people whom you meet on the way to kindergarten.” Zo never said good morning to her kindergarten teacher until she was almost 4 years old. This doesn’t mean that she did not like her teacher. It was just that she could not say anything to her. She would not talk in the children circles or during rhyme time. Her teachers, tried to encourage her all the time, but still Zo was not able to let go of her shyness. She was very interested in art and craft and she loved story times and playing with others. But whenever there was occasions where she had to speak it out in front of others she was unable to do that. She could not sing in the Christmas function where every one else participated.  Zo’s mum and dad used to feel sad sometimes, as Zo’s shyness was not letting her enjoy all the fun of the kindergarten. Zo used to be a clingy child when they visited their friends. Zo also missed not being part of any performance going on in the kindergarten and after going home she used to perform them in front of the mirror. Her mother used to watch her secretly!
Zo’s mother remembered that she herself was same as a child. Zo’s mother also remembered that there were so many occasions she herself missed chance for a performance just being shy. She did not want the same for Zo. She wanted to help Zo to get rid of her excessive shyness. She talked with Zo’s teacher. Zo’s teacher an experienced lady, very good in child pedagogy, listened to all the concerns of Zo’s mother and reassured her that it was fine for a child to be shy. There are all kinds of children just like there are all kinds of adults. She told Zo’s mother that Zo would find out her way from shyness in her own pace. May be she would never be a star performer at stage but she would find her own place in a stage called world. The teacher told Zo’s mum to be understanding and patient. To watch for her other strengths like her affinity towards scissor, paper and glue. She added, “Talk with Zo about several situations at school and how she reacted to them.”  Zo’s mother started doing that and she started telling Zo about her childhood and how she was almost same as Zo. Talking with mum helped Zo and specially on knowing that mum was also a shy person helped her to be happy with the way she was. Slowly she started smiling at the neighbour and her teachers every morning. Zo’s mother used to find books in the library telling stories about shy children and about different situations, like making a friend, participating in a school drama, playing a game of football etc.  Zo loved reading those stories. Her mother gave her a tip that in order to talk with others (other than mum and dad) Zo did not need to look at them, she could look to their nose or lips or somewhere else and say hello to them. With this tip in her mind, Zo found it very easy to say good morning to all the people she met on her way to kindergarten and then she also said a warm good morning to her teacher.

Zo’s mother and her teacher were very happy on seeing this development in Zo. Little did they know that this was just the birth of a chatterbox!

Disclaimer: Published before in the "mom and me" blog 

Not so easy things of life...

It happens to all of us but we always think that it is happening only to us. All of us go through certain stages of life where confusion takes over and we feel entangled. Most of the time we feel overwhelmed as we see others not in the same stage but then if we observe a little more we can see each one of us are dealing with Not so easy things of life... Each in their own way... Each in their own terms...

Crossroad symptom- Once my father told me not to cross a road on the crossroads where 4 roads meet. He showed me how vehicles were coming from four sides and how difficult it was to judge the correct time to cross it. He showed how some people were trying to do that and were getting frustrated and angry.  We walked little further  on the road and we could easily cross the road.
I experienced the same when I became a mother as a phd student. I guess any woman or man goes through this  when they become parents and try to balance their lives along with a new bundle (of joy!) and the regular demands of life. Many times without much help from extended families like me in a foreign land and lots of self expectations of having a picture perfect life like those shown in the postcards. This is also the time when I learnt that my career and my child are equal in priority for me and that as much I want to do good in my career I wouldn't be able to do that without proper support ( emotional, physical and economical) for my child. It took some years for me to find ways around this situation, now 5-7 years away from preliminary years of parenting I could see how fragile and nervous I was at that time. I did not have a friend who could inspire or listen to my worries at that time. I had only male researchers around me married or not, parent or not, and I could not confide to them. They could not see any problem and they were publishing like anything. That was my limitation of not being able to reach out and to try to cross the road where 4 roads were meeting. That state of mind impacted my career and future choices/decisions to a large extent.

Today upon finding a way for myself I see so many other new mothers passing through same phase.

Two boat situation- It took me some years to accept that as much I like reading, thinking and presenting about science, I don't look forward towards technical processing of science. I did not like the repetitiveness of experiments to be performed and the dependence on one boss for greater part of the scientific career. I took strong decision of spending a big money to learn something related but outside of bench science. I started learning about that new field. This time I was more careful about my choices and started to look for jobs in both fields. My ongoing research field and newly learned scientific writing field. This process enhanced my confidence and enabled me to talk with senior people from 2 different domains in the name of interviews.

There are times when we can't pick just one path and need to keep walking on parallel roads. This can be exhausting but for me this helped.

Guilt free mode- I cannot tell you the date but it is around the time when my daughter was turning 5. She was getting relocated from one country to another with me and was mostly accepting things positively with some mild aberrations, seeing her handling things with a smile I could see those long lived guilt clouds leaving me. I could feel for the first time that my daughter would survive and succeed in this world and that she could take so much change easily more so because she was a day care goer from very early age.
Also, one day while talking with her she told me that she did not remember that she used to cry in the mornings before leaving me for day care as a toddler ( my major trigger for guilt- I realised this later) but she remembered her friends in day cares and the doll houses. From that day onward started my guilt free mode of life.

2nd chance is rare and should be nourished- I received an opportunity for further research, and I took the chance to try once more and  I am glad I did that. Research after Phd is very different and enables us to work in independent environment. Sharpens our transferable skills like teaching, communication, and problem solving. Help us earn good money to lay path for next chapter of life. After availing the second chance I was sure that I really don't want to 'do' science, but facilitate, write about it or nurture science in other ways.

Calculated risks and diluted ego- I learned to take calculated risks and say yes to
opportunities which were opening new frontiers to me. I still did not learn to negotiate though. Higher education come with a baggage of ego and pride, having taken calculated risk and stepping into a new domain, I could not afford to keep my ego boosted. It was required to bust my ego and quickly find a niche for myself in the new domain. I started using the skills learned in previous jobs, like attention to details and a knack to teach and train others. Sincere involvement  and a mind to take new challenges came easily upon taming my ego. Ego never helps in anything. The less we have the better we die.

Same problems but different approach- In the new job I soon started pouring in long hours and though there was no experiments to be planned this time but there were telecons and meetings with different team members living in different time zones. I could relate to these situations from past experiences. I started taking different approach than handling them in previous manner and waiting for different results. This time,  I was more confident and mindful, with less expectation. I simplified things wherever possible by expressing and demanding help at home, making my daughter independent in doing simple chores. I learned to walk further up the road and avoid crossing it on the crossroads.

Circle of friends-  From previous experiences I learned that it is necessary to continue to make friends from all facets of life, from different genre of living. A childhood friend might not understand my present state of mind and a college friend might find me a bore altogether. So I learned to make friends from neighbourhood and internet. I have many blogger friends with whom I share thoughts that my sister might also find difficult to engage with.

Inspire and get inspired- I don't shy anymore to discuss about the lessons learnt through my journey.  I share them with my colleagues who are in similar phase as I was few years ago. I observe and learn from others who are little ahead of me in career. I have a good network of like minded friends to talk, argue, debate and agree to disagree. I am learning about a new domain, new roles and designations, and new models of work in each day.

The dotty connect- My daughter keep asking me about what will I be when I grow up. She believes that just like her I will also keep growing. And isn't that true! I understand that designations change from one year to another and from one company to another but I have no answer to my daughter's query. In 5 years I might have more dots in my career chart and I hope to connect them together in a solid line.

Three years theory- This year I proved again my theory of childhood that it takes 3 years or less for a us to accept a new city or a place. This is my third year in this city and now I have started feeling comfortable about it, I have learned to understand its strengths and weaknesses.  I have started debating with new comers in the city, who don't find any reason to like this city. I was in the same page last year, today I feel home here. Having lived and left many places, I have found that only after travelling the path of newness, irritations, loneliness, reaching out, making friends, and then my brain accepts a place.

Let it go- Most of our problems arise because we are unable to let the moment go. We sometimes become so attached and grow comfort with a thing of life that we try not to change that like Not, let the child grow, let the career flow, let the relationship mature or let the life pass by.

Change is the only constant and we need to learn to let life go slowly but surely...

Tantrum busters for toddlers

Rena had a long and tiring day at office, traffic was horrible on her way back to home and then at last when she reached home she found that her two year old little son is in his worst mood and the baby sitter is completely bewildered about what to do.

Sweta is a homemaker; she gets completely frustrated sometimes to control all the tantrums of her one and half year old daughter.

Toddlers, they are like sunshine in the family with their innocent smiles, small walking steps and broken sentences but these tiny tots can also sometimes behave like thunder storm crying, yelling and shouting at everyone around.

In the children of age between twelve months and three years almost can feel just like us but the only difference is that they does not know how to control those feeling. Instead of shouting or giving punishment or getting depressed on a yelling child just take completely opposite approach to cool them down and see how you are also feeling much better. Here are some tips to calm down your angry little one.

Hide and seek

When your child is demanding for a third chocolate bar and you cannot divert his mind then just be quiet for few seconds and hide yourself behind the curtains/ doors and ask him to search you and you will see how he will wipe his eyes and will start searching you.

Pillow war

You had a very bad day at office, you left office quite frustrated. You came home and you found that your tiny one is really tired after whole day of separation and is shouting out of frustration. This is the best moment to play pillow war. Before starting the war be sure that both of you eat something together and then go to the bed and start! Throw pillows at each other, roll on the bed, laugh loudly, cuddle your child tightly and soon you will see the vapors of both of your frustrations near the ceiling.

Comedy of errors

Sometimes just bend down to the level of your crying child and point at her hand and say “Oh my god what happened to your legs” and see how she gets confused and then starts laughing! Repeat this with all other body parts until all her tears dries.

Indigenous bowling

It is a Sunday morning. You have invited some guest in the evening and for this reason both of you are busy. Your child on the other hand is moving behind you demanding some attention from you. Come on take a break from the continuous house chores and have some real fun with your child. Arrange some empty plastic bottles of cold drinks/ water in a row and then bring the big ball of your child and start. Throw the ball to the arranged bottles just like in bowling places. See how your junior gets busy with this game.

Published in www.sitagita.com

Lessons learnt and looking forward to the rest of 2014

Life has come to a juncture when years merge from one to another and keep rolling. It’s kind of late now to talk about beginning of a year but that’s fine. Life seems to continue from one year to another but I do make effort to have some bullet points for each year whether in personal, or professional or social life, whether in the form of goals achieved or lessons learnt. I do prefer to take last few days of the calender off to rewind, reunite with extended families, travel or just stay at home. More appropriately try to get some time to think about life.  

Also this is the time to re-emphasize some thoughts from not just last year but in last many years when this phase of my life started, in India, in corporate etc.

Only hard work is in our hands: Life brings many situations to us, and we need to accept those, and keep moving to the next moment, next day and next phase of our lives. Those situations could be a result of many factors. Of all the factors only hard work and ability to learn are in our hands, every thing else like luck or to be at right place in right time are not in our control. So I have learned to work hard and learn fast so that even if I get 30% of that as a result I shall be able to be at peace.

Strategy, planning, networking, flexibility, warm behavior, firmness are synergistic to hard work: Although we cannot control our luck according to our plan, but taking calculated risks, having a plan B (or C even), ability to take decisions and live with it, flexibility to accept a new situation thrown onto us, patience for listening to others and giving respect to others do help along with the hard work. Similarly being confident about our decisions, assertive, and firmness to some of your requirements are also respected in life.

Consistency helps too: There are times when we get demotivated and uninspired for so many reasons and start taking things casually. It might be okay for a short period of time but it is essential to recoil and rebound as soon as possible and keep working consistently at all aspects of our life including relationships. There are times when this becomes the most challenging thing to do but we need to keep reminding ourselves that this shall also pass.

Know your money: It is vital to acknowledge the money we earn. Most of the happy moments cannot be bought with money but it is a critical factor to check our lives. We need to learn to value it and value the source it is coming from. We need to learn to invest it. It is very important to be aware of the price our skills and qualifications can bring to us. We should know where it is all going through are cards. It is also required to acknowledge that there will be time in life when we will take decisions considering other priorities of our life and not money.

Breathers: I have identified the need of breather to continue living. It is easy to take leave from office physically. But it takes some effort not to think about work for a day or two. I find I am so used of thinking about work at any time frame. Even more difficult is to get breather from home. Again it is easy to ignore the chores and let them pile on, but it is so difficult not to listen to J or to ignore the husband who keeps a watch that I am little off and start poking immediately. So my small breathers are some strict ‘me times’ to contemplate, to stare the TV screen, to sleep without counting hours and sitting with a blank state of mind. For me and my entangled thoughts this helps. There are times when I announce that I am going to have 'me time' and others accommodate.

Community: This is a very important learning that I cannot solve things or go on in life without support and discussion with other people. Indian women are conditioned to keep mum regarding issues or situations in their life and are trained to bring an ever smiling calm picture to others. I believed in this for a long time. I learned slowly that I need to speak out, bring out my problem out there to other women and men as well. It is okay some people will be judgmental and that is lesson learnt but there will be some who will agree to me too.   

Identify an issue and it will be handled eventually: This is a wisdom I learned from my PhD supervisor that if we are going through a process or situation or performing an experiment, it is very important that we can identify, or categorize the question or issue and once that is done we will eventually find ways to solve this or make peace with them. Sometimes we keep revolving with same situation without real analysis of the reason.  It is necessary to be objective and approach the situation through different angles. Objective root cause analysis for anything that is bothering us is helpful.

Break it small: Many activities and duties posses a daunting image in front of us. For any new parent, children bring a lot of changes in their life. In India new parents also get to listen many judgmental comments from people around them. When both parents are working the art of parenting becomes even more daunting. This result into strained relationships, chronic health issues etc. Breaking the entire task, situation into smaller portions and concentrating on that portion at a time can be helpful. Breaking a big task in smaller portions keep our sanity and we can observe the improvements while working as a team.

Have your own parameters: Life is full of goals that can be achieved, as young kids we did not hear many people going abroad for studies or working but now that is a norm. There were not many who had imported cars but now it is not a big deal. So now if we fall into that comparative mode where we find everyone else is doing better than us and happier than us then life will be so miserable. We might see people going for foreign trips every year, we might see people investing in property every year, we might have parents or relatives constantly inquiring about our professional and financial well-being, but we need to set our parameters on our priorities. It is okay to gauge success as per world’s convention but that should not be the only way of defining our lives. We need to have our own parameters to live our life our own progress chart and metrics.  Going to a nearby park with a picnic bag can be of immense fun, try this at least once.

Health is important too: Of all the stress and hurried activities we go through on daily basis. It is important to take a step back and analyse whether taking all of them is necessary. Some urgency is created by us and can be dealt with later or never. Some milestones can be avoided and some gaps can be ignored. We need to walk more, move more, give more, eat mindfully, and laugh more to live a life which we are craving for.

Rendezvous with an old list

I have this habit of creating lists, list of goals, list of projects, list of improving skills, list of mistakes made previously, list of things to do, grocery list, list for parenting ideas, list of activities to do with J, list of things that J need to do in the evening everyday, lists of things I want to teach her, list of stories I want to discuss with her, list of authors I want to introduce to her, list of music to listen, list of plants to plant when I will have a dream herb garden, list of monthly expenses, list of ideas for frugal living, list of gifts I wish to buy for my family, list of gifts I want to buy for myself, wish list created in an online book store website about books I want to buy and eventually read, list the points for giving a power point presentation, list of website to browse, list of places to travel, list of house chores I need to finish urgently, list of digital photos I wish to print in hardcopies, list of accessories I would like to have with some of my dresses, list of new colour combinations for office ware, outline the points before writing an article or a book (only 2 theses so far), list of things I want to share with my sister, brother, and daughter as they reach different stages of their lives which I have already visited, list of commands for software use which reduces my dependency on mouse, list of movies to see, list of television series which I missed while being busy in different parts of life specially trying to finish my PhD and raising J both at a same time.

I make these lists in my mind, using my phone app, on random but  only on yellow post-it, on the back of an envelope, on the calendar, on my daily planner, on any piece of paper, printed on A4 size paper hanging on the sideboard of my bay, on the back of a letter pad, in J’s rough notebook, in my project book,  on the margins of a weekend news paper (other days I don’t get to read news paper in the morning), in my husbands phone (grocery list), on a book mark, using MS word in laptop, on the leftover portion of a journal article printout (specially I used to plan experiment while in research), using a power point (outline of a presentation).

Normally making a list is half of the work done for me, sometimes I make a list and then spend days weeks with very sorted and happy go lucky smile on my face. After making a list I am sometimes very keen on ticking them off, but sometimes eons of laziness prevent me to do anything about any or many points on the list. I ponder on the point for some hours to days and then that point might slip from my mind. Specially for things with no urgency like list of photos to be printed or so on. But the process of list making continues.

Then one day while teaching maths to J, while cleaning my hand bag, while turning pages in my daily planner, while cleaning the study-desk, while looking at the calendar, while playing with my phone apps, while searching for a word document in my laptop, while throwing some old envelopes, while collecting the bookmarks from old books I meet with an old list. It is almost like meeting an old friend, it is like going back in days and peeking at my brain in past, it is absolute thrill to read that old list again and finding how many points are ticked off  or for that matter not ticked from that old list. Also finding that the teaching names of primary and secondary colours to J was so high priority in my list few years ago and today I don't even notice when she talks about complex colours like beige, magenta or olive green!

Are you a list maker? How do you feel when you meet with an old list?

On being middle aged- the patterns of life

Middle aged - unlike teen age, it is not so dreaded age by the people around you but something that you dread to reach. I reached this age recently and unlike my huge expectations nothing really changed, no thunderbolts, no heavy rains, nothing. Only that my J and her friends brought me to the other side of middle age with great care through thoughtful plays and songs. My sister hugged me tight and fumbled my hair as if she could hear the lib-dub of her middle-aged sister's heart. Brother also shooed away my concerns on age and gave a short lecture about age does not matter, it is the heart that matters. Well as you say big Bro! My husband remained silent as if saying that I dealt with you in your teenage and twen-age (twenties) and will continue doing that in your middle age too. How much harder that would get anyways? Mom and dad were never so friendly before and now finally I could see that they are okay in discussing their turmoils and worries with me and not concerned more about my story. They know their daughter will deal with them somehow now that she is middle-aged.
Colleagues were giving eons of suggestions and theories of how I should take control of my middle age and how middle age is the center stage of human life-true isn't it.
Life that went by seems to be so short and so makes me more aware and careful of each day that is coming. For today I am more experienced than yesterday but I am naive compared to tomorrow.
In the middle of the journey called life,  found some silly patterns finally;

Circular: For most things that happen with us are circular or reversible in nature, day and night, weekdays and weekends, seasons, stirring the sugar crystals in a cup of tea, the accumulation of specks of dust on the table tops and tops of chest of drawers every few days, festivals and vacations, the heap of dirty cloths on each Fridays,  weekly shopping, the circle of eating out and then eating simple home cooked meal. The solitary and inactive weekends and then having lots of friends and partying weekends. The regularities of an ongoing life is circular. Just like the way my grand mother used to make sandalwood paste by rubbing a small sandalwood cylinder on a circular stone in circular motion for her morning Puja. Just like my mother always prefers some flowers beds to be of circular in shape. Just like my father shows incense stick to Hindu gods and goddesses in a circular rotation. Circles of routines brings us comfort and boredom too. Finally understanding and accepting the fact that every weekend I have to shop, every 2 days I have to cook, every morning I have to go for work, every deadline I need to work for,  every day I need to instruct J and every day I will have certain circles to rotate has given me inner calm, I don't question on those circular routines anymore (having done enough of that) and don't find them mundane, I do them and seek comfort of doing something I know.

Linear: Relationships are linear and so is the age. They grow to fade, die or mature. They are not circular and not reversible. They evolve with time and our dream to go back to the relationships that is hold in our memory is a mistake. My relationship with my mother is absolute contrast to what we had when I was in my teenage. Also that time is linear. Time takes away people from you and forever. Grandparents who were there in my life, and at times I took them for granted, but then one day they left. I could not hold them back. Now I am conscious for parents and I don't want to take them for granted. I want to talk with them, laugh with them and share with them my opinions and the differences therein from theirs. Friends and ex-colleagues who were intense part of our past are distant now, we remember them but we realize that we cannot go back to the relationship of past. My daughter's toddler-hood has passed too. I can see her in photos, but to recollect emotions of those days are not possible. Similar is the effect of transition from one place to another (17-18 times for me), transition from one career to another or transition from one living place to another (25 times for me). It does not make sense to yearn to return when the path is not circular.  Accepting this linearity of life and then trying to enjoy the present of it is a must.

Boxed: Some things in life are limited or boxed. They are quantized. They bring limitations. Unless we accept those boxes of our lives, we might keep getting hurt and disappointed. It can be certain stages of career, relationships, certain dreams, expectations, our lack of skills and potentials. It can be an inability like inability to acquire a skill, inability to change a system or a person, inability to grow a habit in your loved ones or inability to control in general. I have learned to look on those inabilities as boxes or patches. I see the life as a blanket and I have accepted that there will be some patches here and there. So my life will be a patched-work quilt. I have also understood that these boxes can be very powerful in our life and can lead us to depression. So instead of giving these boxes a power to control our lives, we need to find a way out to work around those boxes. Initially it is difficult to understand that we are facing a boxed situation in life, one way I found is that if the situation is repetitive and is irritating or depressing me then that situation/person can be a box in my life.  I have figured 2 ways to deal with the boxed situations of life. One to ignore them and second is to understand them and then trying to minimize their effect on us. I try do develop a positive attitude and try to accept that limitation.
If a difficult colleague is a box in my life, I can become forgiving and become less dependent on that colleague. I can try to understand why that colleague is difficult, is it a situation or is it his/her nature? I can try to extend my work group by averaging out the effect of a difficult colleague. The same applies for family members, friends and children too.
Judgmental,  conclusive and closed people can bring more boxed situations around you. People who feel insecure because of you or any other thing, who are focused on only one thing in life (career, promotion etc.), who always compare with others,  can bring boxed situations for you. I try to identify them and make strategy to deal with them.
There will be but at least one or two or perhaps many boxes which we might have to ignore by creating a distance and becoming an observer of the situation. Also that I don't turn into a box for anyone is another learning experiment for me.

Open: Just opposite to the boxed situations are the open situations. The limitless situation. The situations where I feel enriched, where I am able to explore, where I can learn, and where I feel free. This openness for me comes from books, bookshops, libraries, ethnic shops, travel, making bread, colors and open people. People who accept me as I am, who don't judge me with my looks, age, career, language or religion. I am lucky that I have got to see many such people in my life and I have learned to be open from them. I think about them and keep going to them when I get stuck in boxes of life. As my observation says that boxed people are more in numbers than the open ones, so these open people are the ones to be cherished. Open people come along and bring merriness in our life. I keep looking out for these people, try to be close to them, don't judge them just be with them. In dearth of such people than we need to find out our door for openness, which can be traveling or knitting or gazing at the stars. Search for openness in life is a continuous learning.
Tough puzzle is when we come across people or situation that can be combination of the above patterns like a boxed and a open person, both at a time. Classic example is my grand mother, a superstitious woman with immense faith on higher education and knowledge. She has determined a lot of changes in the lives of her daughters and grand daughters.

It is amazing for me that recently I could relate to many of the turmoils of my past-life. Once a situation becomes past, we still try to touch that, try to solve that or try to draw a conclusion out of that. Sometimes our present get stuck in our past. It happened with me too. But recently, on identifying and  working with these patterns, I realized that the past somehow looses its charm to destabilize me at present, because I know the end of it.

Understanding the nature of those turmoils and problems giving them time to imbibe into a pattern and relating them to  a pattern, helped me to sort the present and find calmness.

After all this is one life to live.

Disclaimer: Warli paintings are used for symbolism and are collected through google search

Of complains, secrets, sadness and countless hugs

Recently my life accounts of balancing between complains about J from some sources and my sanity for remaining a reasonable mother. I was told that J does not like following the rules in a certain set up and that I should have a chat with her. Also that J sometimes can be very dominating on the child minders and they get overwhelmed on certain occasions as they don't know how to tackle unruly kids without being scolded or punished. And that J poses challenges to the adults and that with very strong voice.

It is scary at times when I see that a child is asked to be well behaved every hour of the day. It is troublesome to see that the complete setup of educators and child carers in India are differently trained and are not keen in dealing with child psychology and are not trained to channelize children's energy through planned or unplanned activities. They want certain rules to be followed, they are not prepared for questions to be asked against the rules. They don't like whys, they want only full-stops. They get frustrated when children don't listen to them and they don't try explain the reason behind their 'No'. It is also scarier to see that J can get really unruly/impolite on certain occasions and challenge the carers. She is always a strong headed person, I know it from very early stage of my parenting. But I was not prepared for such rebel situations

Till now my trouble was to deal with a shy child, who would not open up in front of others, in spite of her utmost inner wish. This also means that a shy person can be stronger than a vocal one. I was one too. So now I see a child who is still very shy in front of strangers but can become a chatterbox and argumentative little person when she is in a known and comfortable surrounding. She can charge adults when she finds things different from what she knows. This I am trying to modulate in her as she should be more acceptable and that she should be polite in putting even her point of disagreement to others. Also that she should not challenge some rules which are made for all. She should understand that different people have different acceptance capacity and her strong opinions  can be taken as rudeness by others. It is not always right to say things directly even when she means best. People don't want to listen direct things all the time. This is something I have learnt from life experiences.

But well just like every mother, may be I am making a mistake to make her understand everything at her 8th year. May be I should just let her learn through her mistakes. May be it does not matter how much I explain the consequences to her, she will not understand until she faces the consequences herself.

 I should put less control on how she would behave, and just concentrate on putting thank you, please and sorry in her vocabulary and then let her be herself.

Another thing, is her being getting lonely at times. She says her friends were not playing with her in school break. A known scenario again. One day she was very disturbed and was kranky. Other day she was extremely quite and told me about the situation only after coaxing her a lot.
Is it a situation of bullying or it that she was bossy and her friends did not like her being that?
It is hard to find out. I don't know how much filtering J does while explaining a situation to me.
But I told her to enjoy company of her own, eat her lunch and than draw, write or read during lunch.
I told her to try making friends with others, she told that class is divided into different groups and it is hard to enter into other groups too. "Okay", I told her, "than just be with yourself and wait till your group comes to you." "It is hard to be without any friend", she  replied. Having moved so many places, having lost friends each time, and then loosing them for some silly reasons and misunderstanding. Also at times only differences in opinions are considered as not being friend with each other and we part ways. I do know it is hard to be friend-less or loose a friend. But than it is difficult expectation to always have a friend. I have had moments of no friends and now I have learned to accept those situations and keep my calm on those occasions by being a good friend to myself.

Again, there is only that much I can do to help J out from such situations. I can try to keep her positive and hopeful about friendship but then to find, manage and being friend with a friend is a process she has to learn and sometimes unlearn herself.

All these are intense, crucial and critical moments of parenting and I have found that one thing that keeps her moving are countless, unexpected and warm hugs! Also that she would be sad and sorry and nothing other than leaving her at that can help her out.

Peeking through the glass-holding hands with Indian folk arts

That was a Sunday afternoon. A summer afternoon. Those long afternoons of India when you want to stay inside and don't even want to peek through the glass window. On one such Sunday afternoon, I, A and J sat together and made friends with a new kind of activity called - glass painting. When I was a child I painted on glasses but using acrylic colours, glass paints were not that easily available at that time in India. So the effects were different. Thanks to my mom that I always had a stock of acrylic colours along with crayon, sketch pens or water colours to dabble them on fabric, glass, empty tins, egg cartons, stones and on anything and everything available around or outside of the house. Colours and their different textures attracted me always. I was curious to see how does the readily available Camlin glass paints (non fuss paints available in plastic tubes) could be used on glasses. How different the effect will be from acrylic paints? I had many emptied pickle/pasta sauce glass and plastic jars. I washed them and dried them. Also I was very much impressed by the folk-art craft works, done by artsy craftsy mom, specially the gond, alpona, and the warli art forms. I was excited to do and share all these with J and A. So our Sunday afternoon started with the mission of combining colours, art forms and glass as canvas. How did it go? See it for yourself!

 1. Trying it out with - Trial and error. Painting for the first time on a bottle surface!

 

 2. Playing with colours and patterns, also optimising the hold on the painted glass jars.

3. Together, they talked, discussed and found out way to hold the jars while painting them.

4. Can Warli men be created on a glass bottle? The struggle...

5. Peek-a-boo through a painted glass - alpona and gond...

6. Warli men are dancing!

 7. The creation and the inspiration...

8. All four of the personalised glasses with no labels and new make-overs, standing together holding their hands (invisible for many)

 

And I must say, this became one of the memorable summer Sundays for me! 

Glass painting - A perfect, non fussy way  to bond with a child for a busy parents, older sibling, uncles and aunts or grand parents. 

Boiling down to numbers - The shape less monster cookies

They were asking this to me for many weekends now, "Aunty are we having a baking class this weekend? I was giving them a no in various colours and shades, sometimes a soft pink one, some time stern red one.

This weekend J was just non-stoppable, did I tell you before that she has a recurring but polite way of demanding or ignoring things. If I ask her to stop reading her story book and do some maths, it seldom reaches her brain. That too when my voice gets over the top and my blood pressure as well. But when she decided that it is enough time now that we haven't baking anything, and this weekend we need to do it, she cajoles me to her way. I hope her wooing skills will work on fronts other than mommy front as well.

So every one came around by 11.30 am and we started our cookie baking spree. The plan was to bake some shapeless monster cookies. The A club members have grown up now. They brought out the cookery book, read the ingredients, collected them from the kitchen and put them on the table. "Aunty, we are ready," went the chorus for me. I reluctantly told them, "Hey you know it all by now, I am not going to help you, start it on your own." They took the flour, I just checked the weight, and similarly the sugar and butter. They mixed it all. It was not a watery batter but a hard cookie dough, but they still mixed it well. Then there was one egg to add. Reluctant me could sense a drift. So I came on the board and said, today it is my chance to break the egg. I added the yolk and white of one egg that was required by the recipe. Three of them commented, "Aww, we also want to break eggs." The forth one replied," Aunty did it so that we don't fight over one egg silly." I smiled. They are learning to take notes from earlier incidents of baking class. Isn't it the marvel of human brain and how it take hints from previous incidents? Well we ended up making a glue like cookie dough. So that we could get shapeless monster cookies.

We scooped the cookie dough on the baking tray and I put them to the oven. 180 degree celsius, for 15 minutes. Some free time for them,  A club sat together with their glasses of fruit juices, and started discussing about spy gear and stuff, and how Famous Five (Enid Blyton) keeps cracking difficult mysteries, I was listening to them reluctantly while looking at computer screen. I could feel that they are dreaming for the same life as famous five can have. I know this scene, these thoughts,  only difference is that in those dreams and thoughts, I was not reluctant like today but an active participant and my friends were my partners.

The shapeless monster cookies came out well. But the number of cookies were kind of a problem, with their maths skills they were not able to divide it equally among themselves.

And o boy! I thought they have grown up, but life always boils down to numbers right?

How many percentage of marks you got? How many kilos you weigh? What is the figure of your salary? How many projects you finished at work? Did you reach your target set in last quarter? How many kids you have? What percentage of marks your kid gets? and so on and on.

The same thing happened with the A club, after almost an hour of happy time together, the discussion boiled down to how many cookies each of them are going to get after all...

Picky eater vs. Acquired taste

J is a picky and lazy eater. Each time she is given a new thing to eat, she would taste that with tip of her tongue. It is a funny visual and sometimes an irritating one specially when I prepare a dish keeping only her in mind. We had very hard time during her transition from bottles of milk to diverse solid food. She at the age of  1 and 1/2 years found no reason to come out of the comfort of just sucking milk from bottle or lick spoons of semi solid baby food with mild taste and swallow them immediately than to chew solid foods which were so complex in taste and texture. Result was an irritated and constipated child. Also now when I look back I find she was going to a German day care at that time and was taught to eat with utensils, where touching food with fingers was not a good manner. At home she found her Indian parents eating their food using fingers. J must have got confused seeing two ways of eating in that small age. Also the taste and texture of food was quite different in two places. Result, she got extremely picky about eating. We understood that and used to give her knife and fork to eat rice at home. This helped her. We also learnt to be consistent in giving her proper food and no baby food to develop her chewing and proper food eating habit.

At around age 3, she asked me once whether I feel messy to eat with fingers. I told her that no, it is just a habit. Also that there are some rules we follow, even if we eat with hands, like we use  only right hands, we use only fingers, we use chapatti (Indian bread) to scoop sabji and daal (curries and lenti; soup), there are countries other than India where also people eat with hands etc.  In the mean time, we, 'J's parents, big foodies, started including 'J' for cooking. She used to do simple acitvities like mixing things together. This broke her inhibitions of touching food with fingers. She started learning the names of different fruits and vegetables. She started to like the process of baking and so on. She still continues to taste any new thing with the tip of her tongue and she still continue to reject several vegetables (specially greens). She loved eating non-vegeterian items though. When she was 5, she asked me one day whether she could try eating food at home like us. She tried to eat rice with her fingers and as fingers are easy to use than fork and knife to mix food and Indian curries, she liked the taste of food better. Also with constant exposure to diverse food habits at school/day care and home she started accepting both and started picking some favourites of her own in both places.

In this time she also started visiting her friend's house where she found that food was yet again different from her home and school. In spite of being picky, upon repetitive exposures she started choosing certain special food in her friend's house too. I started introducing the term 'acquired taste' in our regular language. I tried to explain her that there were several things I did not like to eat as a child, but as I grew old I started liking them. One example being cooked onions. 'J' found it funny that her 'food loving' mummy also had 'dislikes' as a kid. We kept watching food programmes talking about different types of international food and we kept buying and using several ingredients which are not that used in an Indian kitchen. 'J' started taking interest in several methods of cooking and used to come up with her 'own' ideas of cooking.

Recently upon our return to western part of India, she saw yet another world were vegetarian food are more common to consume. Geographically this region of India is land-locked and dry. So in earlier times the availability of fish and meat might be rare, legumes, fruits, vegetables and cereals are are major produces in these regions leading to vegetarian eating habit, which might have inoculated in the form of religious necessity as human being started creating faiths and religions for streamlined life.

Kids don't know all this reasons, they follow whatever they see at home, they get conditioned accordingly, so they form a critical view towards food not eaten in their home. 'J' on hearing the comments that 'eating fish or meat is yucky' got quite confused. She started showing her doubts towards chicken and fish curry which are her all time favourites. In her school non-vegeterian food is not allowed in the tiffin as they share food with each other adding more points to her doubts .

My parenting came under test again. Along with using the principle of 'acquired taste', I started talking with her about the geography and cultivation practice of different region or at least about the places where we have lived still now. This helped her understand that people in each place mostly eat what is grown there but as we unlike many others are always on move we get chance to explore different tastes. Secondly I started talking about various religions and how our belief  on religion also puts impact in our eating habits. She started understanding. We continued eating and cooking various tastes at our home and started exploring different restaurants. We started introducing new ingredients from the local markets in our cooking.

Recently I noticed that 'J' is finding it hard to eat at bigger gatherings, because of her being shy, because of all the excitement she goes through in such places, because of foreignness of the places and faces of people and because of she being not used to it and being picky, specially during festivals and big parties. Such gatherings (of almost 100 people and more) were not their in her life till now, as we were not in India till recently. We discussed on this issue and she said she was too tired to eat and she was although sad for her behaviour but she could not help it.

So my next journey will be to make her comfortable or at least accept the novelty of a situation that sometimes arises around food, and that where so many other people who are eating happily the same thing that has been offered to her, so she can try to taste the things with a smile and who knows she might find a new favourite for herself. 

Trail of thoughts

Sticky situations

I was extra cautious for some meetings recently I had to attain, avoided differences of opinion and came out clean. This was a conscious effort. Then for obvious reasons I was cheerful, left my caution and went to places which were soft zones for me. And exactly there I ended up creating sticky situations. Such is life and sticky situations doesn't come with warning signs. I will lie if I say it doesn't bother or hurt me and a big chunk goes in learning to live with these.

Lies

On talking about lies with J and asking her if or when she lies, she genuinely told that she feels like lying or lies when she is scared. I got the message very clearly. And it is so true even for an adult. Isn't it?

Scare

Scare or panic is integral to living, in equal parts to happiness. 'Scare' is a state of mind and some people might feel it more than others. I personally feel uncertainties of life bring in more scare  and if we make peace with those uncertainties which we cannot control, helps. For me, talking with others helps too. Little reassurance gives lots of comfort. I have noticed scare has personal and social nature. Road rage is a social scare in India. I have talked with several people (office colleague, neighbours etc.) and have noticed  everyone feel scared crossing the roads in Indian cities, to some extent. So this gives a shared feeling. Personal scare are the ones which are difficult to come out of. A sound board and time can help a lot for this.

Time

Time is the best healer and calms down several ripples but in life there remains certain issues which don't phase out. Which remains constant. Which are like tides, sometimes we get flooded by them, sometimes we stay above them. 

Life

Recently some quotes for life from a famous humorist are intriguing me a lot. 

Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover

- Mark Twain

Hi, there

Yes, I am feeling that Blog-e-zine is slipping away from me. I am not able to connect to it as I used to while mothering all single. Strange ha!
Did I have more time then? Or did I notice 'J' more closely then? Or did my physical distance from my family made me write?

Anyway, today I am back in my mind-space as I am all on my own. 'J' has gone for a sleep over (first time after returning to India) and 'J's papa has gone faraway on a work-tour.
On other days I fall fast asleep at this time and today I am all wide eyed and talking with my e-zine at the middle of the night. Today being a friday is even better.

I have recently noticed that 'J' is speaking Hindi, highly accented but she has started blurting out. She is done with her shyness. Thanks to the new day care where she is spending her after-school hours till 6 pm and she is encouraged to speak Hindi. She has also started doing lots of craft again after starting to go in this day care. 'J' loves craft work and at home and school it does not happen that much. I plan, but never get to do it with her on regular basis. 'J' also get busy with other attractions. So now I am happy seeing to be back with her scissors, sticky tape and glue.

We are so much used to of community centre for child-care that we grabbed the opportunity of sending 'J' to day care from the day it got started in our area.

'J' also liked the place from first day. Being older kids they are strong voices in the day care. Little kids love them and wait from them until they come from school. That day 'J' was explaining to me how a little kid in the day care hugs her when she returns from school. She was so proud to show her elder sisterly instinct. An instinct which used to be very common in olden joint family days. Today in a nuclear family scenario these are the golden opportunities for a child to learn sharing,  giving and caring.
I feel that it will become very difficult task for me to spend days after days with people in their eighties with only short options to see any one else of my age,  just the same can be true for kids. Children need other children to learn equality. While living only with their parents or other adults they learn either to obey or to order.
This is my personal opinion and might not hold for you.

Our time to talk with each other has reduced drastically.  In the morning when she goes to school, we don't talk. We act like robots (very sleepy ones). In the evening when we unite again, we all feel so tired (in India the energy level get really low after whole day of work and study) that we just stick to our own shells (reading, T.V. or doing nothing).
Its only in the weekends where we gets time to listen to each other.

'J' has recently started with mystery stories of famous five and all. I was little skeptical as once she  starts reading mystery stories then it will be difficult to make her read anything else. But then in India Enid Blyton is all over, there is no denying her. So let she continue and I will continue with finding other authors for her to read. Recently we got a book on curious George. It is about a curious monkey and the character is quite famous in USA. We did not know him before. 'J' is grown up for the book but she and I loved reading and re-reading the book and the illustrations. I  realized that with 'J' growing up I am also loosing the window of going back into toddler's and small kid's world of books.

'J' has stopped asking me to stay at home during her holidays. She gets up and gets ready to go to the day care. This was unimaginable just 1.5 years ago. 

'J' always notice and says, "hey, Mumma you are home early today". She has stopped complaining when I come late from work.